I recall a previous family holiday in Iran where, against all odds, and despite the best of good intentions, I was terribly out of sorts... My father had died the year before, and I was struggling desperately with a plethora of issues that this traumatic and sudden loss had triggered within me. I wanted to just be free and content and happy. But I wasn’t.
I remember one particular afternoon, spent in a really exquisite hotel room. REALLYexquisite, and there’s reason for my emphasis. My husband had gone to a neighboring town on business, leaving my daughters and I to amuse ourselves locally. I’d purchased all sorts of interesting arts and crafts for them to entertain themselves with. And, at first brush, all seemed idyllic.
But nothing was further from the truth, INSIDE ME. On that particular day, I was STORMING inside. I was flooded with feelings and raging with all the worst and most uncomfortable emotions that a person could have. And I couldn’t even particularly understand why. I was angry with my kids. I was angry with the hotel staff. I was angry with myself.
Perhaps we have an idea of something in our minds, that then doesn’t translate smoothly into reality in the same fashion... (My daughters weren’t sweet little loving Picassos that day. Rather they were antsy and bitchy and at each other’s throats. Moreover, my vast expanse of crafting ideas was exhausted by them in all of 32 minutes, leaving me again at a loss in terms of what to do next). Also, I’ve come to realise, emotions sometimes just ARE... Sometimes moods just happen, without concrete, identifiable triggers... Wax and wane like tides and currents... And perhaps at other times there ARE triggers, but they’re unconscious or out of conscious awareness, and thus as good as completely random.
But I was moody as all hell.
And then not only moody, but ANGRY WITH MYSELF for being so out of sorts.
I judged myself harshly for not being in love with those precious hours.
And so, I decided to take myself in hand, and GET RID OF THE NEGATIVE FEELINGS. I wanted to SEVER them, irrevocably, from my experience. I sat on the big plush king-size bed and tried to GRATITUDE myself out of it. I listed item after item of all the things I needed to be grateful for – SHOULD be grateful for - and each hung like an indictment on myself. Of how bad I was for being a selfish ingrate, unable to see my privilege, my fortune and my blessings.
I listed and listed, huffing and puffing at myself. Railing at myself. It possibly worked a little, to a negligible extent.
But do you see the problem here? I’ll be honest - I didn’t. I thought my intervention was CORRECT! I thought this was the right way of managing a torrent of ill feeling. But then, many moons later, I began professional training in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and shared this experience with my colleagues. I was actually quite proud of my intervention, and so eager to contribute it to the conversation at hand.
The problem is that I was being so terribly judgmental. Truth be told, my gratitude list had probably only served to make me feel even more shitty about myself than I already did, at that time.
The challenge, I have since learnt and fully grasped, is that we need to live amongst our feelings... Uncomfortable, stormy, torrid emotions will come and go, and the goal simply can’t be to deny them completely. The healthier alternative to willing away the grey is to ACKNOWLEDGE the grey. To shift over and make some space for it... To allow it to be part of our human experience. Triggered by deeply unconscious dynamics. Triggered by hormones and human fragilities like tiredness, hunger and stress. And triggered by actual experiences of being angry, hurt or frustrated. All are valid, and all need validation. They need soothing, compassion and curiosity. Not amputation. Not severance.
How hideous is it to EXPERIENCE these painful emotions, but then, on top of that, to JUDGE OURSELVES for having them at all...? And then to try to gratitude-list them away, as though the idea of a conflicted feeling is somehow heinous and noxious. This was such a revelation to me, and revolutionised much of my thinking, both professionally and personally.
The healthier, more self-loving approach to this situation, I now know, is simply to observe and label the feelings... To become non-judgmentally curious about them. And to also understand that feelings aren’t facts. They are transient states that can be signals, information and warnings. But they don’t have to be. They can also just be much ado about nothing.
And here is the clincher: mostly, they pass.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy teaches us to change what we can and tolerate what we cannot change. (Not very new thinking; even the age-old “serenity prayer”, made famous by Alcoholics Anonymous, is based on such a philosophy). We begin to change what we can firstly be accepting. It’s such a huge link in the chain of this thinking.
First, we accept. “Oh well, Debbie, here you are, in this beautiful place, feeling like hell... That sucks...”. When we accept, part of the tension collapses. Most of the judgement evaporates. Grace shines through. Then it’s useful to take a few moments to feel the feelings and name them. Almost scientifically. Almost objectively. Giving them validation and room.
I feel... angry... frustrated... confused... empty... sad... guilty...
I just do.
And then we become curious about what skills and strategies may shift the feelings along (the change that becomes possible only one we have accepted). And if there’s little that can really be done, as in my moody hotel room day several years ago, then the skills we must employ are really just around tolerating the distress currently being experienced. Holding the distress INSIDE. Resisting any and all urges to GET RID OF THE FEELING, because TOLERANCE, not evacuation, builds psychological strength. (We often feel compelled to DO things to change the feeling states. My gratitude list is a somewhat benign example, but other actions may be binge-eating, binge-drinking, anger outbursts, compulsive shopping, promiscuity, etc).
I’m thinking of this all, today, because once again we’re in the Middle East. And once again, I’m having a rather shitty day (shitty days are a very normal part of a balanced life!). But I know better, now. I know I don’t have to change how I feel, and therefore I give myself permission to feel bad. The best way to tolerate unpleasant days is through self-care and self-kindness. This validates, without damaging.
So I had a long hot shower. I love the feeling of pressurised hot water on my skin. It’s self-soothing. I washed my hair. I dressed well and applied make-up. Because this always makes me feel composed and better… (“Get up, dress up, show up”, right?). I was quiet with myself. I labeled the feelings within me. I gave them names. I validated them and brought distance between myself and them. I was patient with myself, the way I would be with my own daughter. And I never judged myself for having them, the way I had with the gratitude list in the past.
Because at some point, we just have to accept that we are who we are, right...? And that our idiosyncratic triggers will always be there, hard-wired as they are. I know why I’m pissy today. I know very well. And I know it’s not “rational”. But “it is what it is”, and I accept that I’m a fallible and flawed human being, who has a difficult time in certain particular contexts and scenarios.
And so I’ve shifted over and made room for my very frail, very human pissiness. And by checking in with myself, slowing things down, being kind to me - I can be a FULL person, and engage meaningfully with the day, and with the people around me.
My hope is that this article fuels your thinking around self-kindness, self-grace and self-acceptance. So that you, too, can have a more pleasant and peaceful 2019!
Debbie I have yet to thank you for recommending DBT to me. It was simply the best experience I have gone through to know how I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it and accepting those feelings and thoughts.
Thank you so much for helping me on my journey.
Kerry Tintinger