I recorded a FaceBook Live video recently, speaking specifically to people who are very troubled in their romantic relationships.  People who perhaps have tried all sorts of interventions, professional, and otherwise, but somehow keep “spinning their wheels”, and effectively getting nowhere.  This is a desperately frustrating place to be in, especially if the predominant sense is that the relationships is “nett good”, and ultimately worth it.

Most couples who sit in my therapy room or engage with me online want, and need, to be heard on their grievances in the partnership.  They have been carrying years and years of pent-up resentment about poor decisions taken, betrayal, or lack of support more generally.  And therapy is most certainly the forum for such.

Most often, if my tools and strategies are applied with discipline, and both parties desire growth, these resentments can be processed, metabolized and relinquished.  Connection and communication can be restored, and the intervention can be stamped “successful and complete”.

But what of the couples who just cannot get beyond their petty and significant squabbles?

What of the couples who hardly make it through a day without a minor or major explosion?

Who have probably hard-coded such behavior into their relationship narrative, rendering it their default way of being?

For these couples (and I see them coming!), I take a completely different approach. 

For them, I suggest that we leave the resentments, the anguish, the unforgiveness and the desperate need to be heard and understood on historical and current matters.  For them, I suggest that we move into a time of “Relationship Rehab” or “Relationship Recovery”, and, as with any rehabilitation process, there are particularly strict rules of engagement. Much like a child learning to ride a bicycle, I ask that the couple apply “training wheels” to their union, and these training wheels take the form of total and unadulterated KINDNESS.

If the connection and the general goodwill between parties in a couple is completely absent, ripping open the wounds may well exacerbate the problem. Pandora’s Box, as it were, and in a volatile and unstable environment, ill-equipped to manage what flies out of there!

So, for these people, I suggest KINDNESS. Exclusive kindness, for at least a fortnight. Nothing should be added or removed from the relationship, that isn’t grounded in simply being a pleasant and generous human. Because this builds up some “emotional slush”. It knits bonds and connection, and it creates a foundation and a platform to scaffold the more challenging conversations that must still happen, down the line.

“The 5 Love Languages” has become something of an institution in popular contemporary psychology. The brainchild of author Gary Chapman, this theory basically argues that individuals are wired to express and receive love in particular, specific ways. If “love” isn’t expressed to them in a package with which they are familiar, they may miss the gesture altogether, resulting in a situation where they remain feeling unloved, and their partner, in turn, feels snubbed and dismissed in his/her effort to cherish and connect.

Chapman itemized the following as his key “love languages”:

1. Physical touch
2. Words of affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Quality time
5. Acts of service

And, of course, there are others… In my practice, people will often say, “well, none of those particularly resonate, but I really need to feel safe’, or “I really need to feel respected”, or some such.

The conflict-riddled couple who is placing their relationship “in recovery” would do well to each make a list of all of the elements that their partner “warms to”; all of the actions and attitudes that have served their union over time. That are “love languages” in their partnership.

And then repeat them.

All of them.

Daily.

Forever, but certainly for as long as it takes to start to knit back together the fractured shards of their relationship.

And that, in a nutshell, is the entirety of the initial plan.

There are a few reasons for this strategy:

1. Kindness  is therapeutic. Kindness heals. Kindness validates a person, and reminds a couple of their essence.
2. It’s not really possible to focus on two things, wholeheartedly, at the same time.  So the mere action of choosing to focus on kindness precludes a focus on animosity and upset. So, choosing to be kind, in a tricky relationship, takes the focus off the negative aspects. And so often we get terribly stuck, in ruminating over all the “bad” that has transpired, perhaps devaluing and dismissing what good exists too.
3. Choosing kindness is the setting of an intention. It’s a communication, to yourself, your partner, and the ether, that you want the union to continue, and to heal. It’s a decision, where constant bickering and conflict usually represents stuckness and And so choosing to be kind is active. It’s “take charge”, and it’s powerful.  All of the elements you will need to stop spinning your wheels, and get moving on to happier and more fulfilling relationship times!
4. Kindness is actually good for us, as people. It promotes self-esteem (a sense of pride in being a good person). It spreads rapidly - the more kind we are, the more kind we want to be. It feels good. And, to be fair, kindness is Getting reciprocal kindness from your partner won’t necessarily be a direct, immediate transaction, but, if there’s even a shard of goodwill in the relationship, it’s really difficult to maintain an antagonistic stance in the face of persistent and consistent benevolence.

So if you relate, here’s your blueprint:  

1. Look at your calendar. Decide how long you would like to implement this strategy for. I recommend no shorter than two weeks. Mark it. Set the intention. Make the decision.
2. On a piece of paper, or on your mobile device, list Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages” (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service and gifts).
3. Now, think about your relationship, and your partner specifically, and add to that list things that they have particularly craved from you, and said they need more of, over time.
4. Every morning, as you rise, be deliberately mindful of your list, and no matter how you feel, set y our intention to tick off as many of these items as you can.
5. Be consistent and persistent in your application of these strategies. DO NOT EXPECT OR SEEK OUT IMMEDIATE FEEDBACK. Do it because you decided to, and keep doing it because you decided to.  As the medics would say, ‘COMPLETE THE COURSE!”

One last note: it is NOT essential that both partners commit to this. It is absolutely possible that ONE PERSON’s effort can be sufficient to change the tone in a relationship. Just do NOT expect instant gratification, nor immediate positive feedback.  Set your calendar, make your list, and get going!

All the best!

Debbie