Can I tell you about drag queens, offense, and the importance of clarifying that what you heard was what the other person meant...?
Recently, I had a photo-shoot for my “The Shrink on Your Couch” platform. This one.
I did all-the-things, in preparation. Hair, professional makeup, and a blitz around my favourite clothing outlet.
I felt rather glam by the end of all that preening and grooming.
Towards evening, my hubby and I were looking at a “before-and-after” face pic that the make-up artist had sent to me, when he uttered these Epic Fail words:
“You looked like a drag queen”.
Stunned.
Startled.
Bewildered.
“What a dick” …
OFFENDED!
(Now to understand this situation fully, you need to know that my husband is a 3rd language English speaker. He arrived in Johannesburg, from Iran, 18 years ago, and could hardly greet in our language. So, the fact that he now speaks, reads, writes, raises children, and conducts his own business here, in English, is phenomenal).
So, I wasn’t being condescending when I took a deep breath, emotion-regulated my bruised ego, and asked, “Do you actually know what a drag queen is...?”
(Hoping against hope that he doesn’t).
“Yes”, he said, “Remember at Mahsi’s wedding [in Iran], you went to the salon, and you said that the lady did your makeup like a drag queen? It means very dramatic, beautiful makeup, doesn’t it? Like a queen”.
#facepalm.
Oi. It’s me that’s a bit of a dick.
Caricatured as this example is, I see the same thing with so many of the couples I work with in relationship therapy. Even when they share a mother tongue.
They don’t understand each other, and their points get lost in translation.
Words are symbols.
They represent what we are trying to communicate to each other. They are outward expressions of inward realities. And they are flawed.
Dictionary definitions aside, a word doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to two people. And choice of words can also trigger or evoke emotive responses that weren’t intended by the speaker. Because of that they mean to the hearer.
For example, someone may hear their partner express a fear, and say it’s “silly” or “ridiculous”. They probably mean this to be supportive and disarming of the fear.
They may intend to calm anxiety.
But these words may land as dismissive, undermining and even callous to the recipient.
And the hearer may then experience hurt, anger or frustration.
Which is why I teach couples in my care the magic of questioning, in a non-accusatory way… Along the lines of, “May I just clarify what you meant...?” or “What I understood from what you said is, [insert diatribe]. Is that actually what you intended to say?”.
I kid you not: in my experience, most often there’s been a tussle in translation, and a short chat can bring immense relief, and offset the risk of having a Big Fight About Nothing.
Which first steals your joy, and then your relationship.
Furthermore, this short clarifying chat is pure gold for intimate connection, as it deepens understanding of each other. It reinforces how both have each other’s best interests at heart. If left unquestioned, we can feel that we’re living with a sniper out to get us or assume that our partner doesn’t hold us in very high regard.
So, take my “drag queen dilemma”, and use it as inspiration, when feeling a flurry of offense. Just take a moment to check in with your person, that you are in fact having the same conversation about the same thing.
I bet you, quite often, that you’re not!
