“Urgh, she’s just looking for attention”.

No.

We are learning that attention-seeking is connection-seeking.

And if someone is seeking connection, best we do what we can to oblige.

Seldom is this mindset shift as important as on holidays – which, in the absence of our ‘9-to-5’s’, are ‘real life on steroids’.

Boundless hours magnify the joys and trials of everyday life.

I wrote this article with the intention of normalising powerful (often challenging) feelings in parent-child relationships. I’d like to encourage debate, discussion, and a pursuit of meaning in these dynamics. 

Every time I write candidly about how hard mothering (parenting) is, my inbox explodes with mothers and fathers alike feeling safe to speak about how difficult raising their little people is.

Especially when the little person feels like a walking mirror image.

My eldest daughter is, in so many ways, a replica of me.

Or to be fair, I perceive so many similarities, and I worry for her.

She is, of course, a unique individual (and this is the lesson).

But I’m deeply affected by her, and I’d love her to be spared some of what I’ve endured in my life.

Moreover, I’d hate to be the cause of her suffering.

I find myself getting unreasonably irritated or angry with her, at times.

And I know that this anger is predicated upon fear for her.

And, of course, my ego, wanting her to do better than I’ve done, in so many arenas.

I’m mostly a conscious human, and I am painfully aware that each one of her behaviours that makes me want to burst into flames is a mirror image of my own perceived shortcomings.

I see her all-or-nothing thinking (understandably age-appropriate).

I see how the smallest inconvenience muddies her whole experience, causing over-control.

I see her struggle with self-esteem and finding her place in the world (how very normal, at 9 years old).

I see her simply wanting what she wants, the way she wants it.

I see the (again age-appropriate) difficulty emotion-regulating, and penchant for anger.

And I’ve decided a few things, this holiday, in response:

I’ve decided to witness myself being triggered and commit to the idea that it’s my challenge to process, and not hers at all.  

I’ve decided to keep a tight rein on my responses, and mother her with love and kindness.

I’ve decided to go inwards and reflect on how and where I may be what I see in her (and that, possibly, she isn’t these things at all). If I do my work, in therapy, journaling and reflection, they may dissolve in her too. We only ever see what we’re personally sensitised to and activated by.

And I’ve decided to embrace that she is a nearly-9-year-old, being nearly-9. She is NOT a miniature Debbie, and we do NOT have parallel experiences.

Because this is a lot to put on a little person, consciously or unconsciously.

I’ve decided to normalise, for her, the underlying wishes that she’s enacting with her behaviour and misbehavior, rather than to discipline them out of her; her wishes for order, structure, control, validation, center stage, abundance, and limitless fun without consequence are normal human desires.

And so, rather than berate or chastise, I’m saying things like, “Of course you want to stay on the beach all day…”; “Of course you want to go swimming now”, and “Of course you want McDonalds every time your tummy growls”. I think there can be an inclination to anger and applying adult labels that don’t and can’t apply. Speaking the middle ground into our children’s’ lives is probably more useful and helpful: “It’s so, so natural to want to swim all day… Of course you do, and there’s nothing at all wrong with that… But we are, now, going to get out of the sun for a while”.

It’s kinder, gentler, more collaborative, and less likely to kindle shame or resentment

I’ve decided to embrace the popular wisdom that we seek connection, and not attention. And if someone is seeking connection, connection is what they should receive in response.

Holidays provide such a perfect opportunity for growth, as individuals, couples, and families.

But the path to this growth is less about seaside picnics, presents, and game drives, than interpersonal discomfort, emotional charge, self-reflection, and then resolution and attunement.