THE ANATOMY OF AN URGE:

The sum total of long-term weight-loss maintenance (and even recovery from drugs / alcohol, etc.) is the willingness to be intensely uncomfortable in moments.

It’s 5am. It’s Sunday morning. I woke a little while ago, which is late for me.

We entertained last night. It was my (husband’s) niece’s birthday recently. We invited her and her family for a belated celebration and prepared for them the food they particularly love: a nourishing chicken and vegetable soup, marinated saffron chicken breast cubes, braai’ed/barbecued and served with flat bread and grilled tomatoes, a Persian rosewater, saffron and pistachio ice-cream, and then the pièce de resistance: an extremely decadent rich chocolate cake.

I married a culture that specifically cares about culinary enjoyment, and show love and care with well-crafted meals.

THE PRELUDE TO THE URGE:

So back to 5am.

Sauntering into the kitchen to make coffee.

I note that my lovely husband had done a quick ‘once over’ through the home after I slept. Victoria, our helper, will be in at 9am to do the heavy-duty cleaning. But at least there’s a sense of order. That’s nice. He’s nice.

And then I see it: a big slab of the moist, decadent chocolate cake. Sitting primed on the countertop.

THE URGE:

I walk towards it.

Pick up a knife, and the negotiation between mind and brain begins:

Brain: “That looks amazing, we definitely want that. We never have chocolate cake in the house so it’s now or never”.

Literally picks up knife and cuts a small-ish piece.

Mind: “It’s 5am… What will the rest of your day look like if you start like this?”.

Brain: “It doesn’t matter. It’s Sunday. Ooooh it’s so moist. We’ll just have a little. Look, a little won’t matter. You can get rid of the rest”.

Mind: “You had the cake yesterday. You have committed to yourself to live a maintenance lifestyle. And 5am chocolate cake isn’t on that plan. You so fervently believe that the moments are where we win or lose – you TEACH PEOPLE THIS!!!

Mind: “This is your moment, Debbie. This is where you win or lose… In the moment is when we finalise our decisions on eating and our bodies”.

“You will regret this later”.

“You want this now, but you want self-mastery more”.

“You baked this cake. You can bake it any other day when it’s more appropriate to have it”.

THE SURRENDER AND SUBMISSION:

And I took a deep breath.

I fully acknowledged the urge. The want.

I felt the ‘compelled-ness’ in my body.

And I felt by brain surrender to my mind.

I exhaled.

Reached for the first container I could find – my daughter’s “Barbie” lunchbox - and packed the entire slab of cake into it.

For Victoria.

Who will love it, and share it with her friends, after she cleans a bit later.

FUTURE FORESIGHT

I then opened the deepfreeze to fish out another container of the same cake, that I’d put away last night.

I left that out for Victoria too, knowing that urges are sneaky bastards, and when the hit at 5am, they’re likely to rear their heads again throughout the day.

REFLECTION

“In the moment is when we finalise our decisions on eating, and our bodies”.

Karen Koenig said this, in “Words To Eat By”.

It’s been one of my mantras since I first read it.

In the moment.

Not when we’re goal setting, and feeling a mixture of self-loathing and motivation, when the scales are.

In the moment of an urge.

And when that urge hits, we need TOOLS.

We need to know how to notice the urge.

To navigate through it.

We need to be fully loaded with power words that put us back in our box and keep us safe.

And we need to know what safety, success and satisfaction are for us.

WORK ON YOUR SUCCESS:

I know because I’m a psychologist.

Because I’m a veteran sleever.

Because I have, for at least 5 years, been so committed to doing the emotional and mental work required of me to master not only my bariatric life, but life’s challenges in general. Which have been plentiful.

It’s not random; my success this morning. I have worked hard for it.

There have been days where I would have inhaled the cake. Had instant regret. And then beat myself up all day. There may still be those days.

But I know that the sum total of overcoming addictive and compulsive behaviour is the willingness to be uncomfortable in the moment of an urge.

Eating is VERY comfortable. Inhaling the cake negates the needs to surf the urge. But it ultimately just becomes a cycle, which is passion, joy and confidence-robbing.

And now it’s 5:45am.

I’m about to make my second cup of coffee.

And I’ve written this up for you, in the hope that it speaks to you, and inspires you to do the work required of you, to overcome whatever challenges you face, food-related, or not.

We journal.

We reflect.

We seek counsel, teaching and mentors.

We set goals.

And then the moment’s hit, and we lean into that work, find the tools and skills we’ve crafted, and powerfully push through, to the point of victory, pride and rescue.