Romantic love is a delicate, mysterious thing... Handle with care...
Straight-Up Disclaimer, So We Don’t Misunderstand Each Other…
This article has been brewing and percolating in my mind for a few weeks now… Triggered by an “earworm song” on repeat in my head… But I’ve been so nervous and cautious to write it. I’ll tell you why: I have a heart full of encouragement that I believe could be family and relationship-saving. But I am all too aware of how this message could be misconstrued… If I get it wrong, and if you read it wrong, it will seem like a sexist, stereotyping, politically incorrect diatribe perhaps akin to some fundamentalist religious practices, or the 1950’s housewife-and-gentleman rhetoric.
At worst, it could sound like I’m saying “Woman, shag your husband, even if you’d rather stick pins in your eyes”, and “Man, attend to your wife’s ranting, even if you’d rather shit in your own hand than sit and listen”. This is not my message, nor my heart at all. And if these are your truths, I would counsel you in earnest to explore those positions, and understand more fully what they mean, and what the way forward might then be for you.
Furthermore, I’m even sorry in advance for the ‘heteronormalcy’ and overt ‘genderedness’ that may be apparent as you read. I don’t actually subscribe to a heteronormative worldview, and it pains me to even have to state that as a disclaimer. But you don’t necessarily know me, to know this – and thus I need to make it explicit. As you read, whatever your gender or orientation, you may relate to the nuances of any human condition described.
So, this article is not written for the couple suffering each other, tolerating each other or enduring each other. There are other articles I’ve written if you’re in that space.
Today, I have a different couple in mind.
This article is for the ‘happy enough’ couple that has become stale and complacent.
Dangerously stale. And dangerously complacent.
The Earworm
I don’t just want to describeor recite the earworm song that inspired my fingers to type up this storm to you now.
I’d really like you to listento it… You might know it. You may well not.
It’s by The Parlotones, a South African indie rock band, and is called “Stars Fall Down”. I’m aware that my interpretation is probably misaligned to the intention of the songwriter… Kahn Morbee appears to be making a case against monogamy.
But I hear something different. Something more important… Especially in the context of the work I do with couples in my private practice. And the literally heart-breaking regret and remorse that is expressed when it becomes apparent that the unintended consequence of preoccupation, busyness, general fatigue and complacency is that feelings have changed or moved on…
Like a car accident, it just cannot be undone.
We can’t unring the bell.
There’s a mystery to intimacy that cannot be taken for granted.
It’s a delicate and ethereal thing, at times. That needs to be nurtured and curated and cared for.
Or it can be spirited away…
Despite the best of good intentions…
Despite the most sound and valid reasons why that intimacy wasn’tnurtured, curated and actively cared for.
“Trace my face while it’s a happy face
When my smile fades
I wanna remember this day
Passion killed by the comfort of time
I’m sorry if this makes you cry, but I have to speak
My mind”.
And I’ll tell you for free that it doesmake the “him” or “her” cry… When it all comes crashing down… When the facts are laid bare. When ‘it is what it is’, and it’s over. “Passion killed by the comfort of time”. The comfort of time as the murderer of connection… Familiarity that bred contempt… Possibly when two people, genuinely in love, depriortised each other, much as they by default depriortise themselves.
In deference to kids. To work. To money. To parents. To stress. To the trappings of modern life.
“Suck the colours from my eyes
When they lose their sparkle and
Forget to shine
Remember all the times you turned me down
I’m sorry if this hurts your heart but
Where’s the spark, from the start?”
“Remember all the times you turned me down…”.
I wanted to connect. To feel alive. To be sensual and feel sensual with the only person I’m sensual with…
And you denied me that part of myself. Because you’re tired. You’re stressed. It’s late. You feel physically unattractive. Because tomorrow is also an option…
And this isn’teven gendered. I’ve seen it play out both ways, and in same-sex couples too… It’s just the last thing on someone’s list… And the other suffers in silence, and then stops suffering when the desire is completely cauterised or gets spirited away.
Hindsight is 20/20. I said in the beginning that this article is about a happy enoughcouple. This lack of intimacy is not fundamentally a barometer of the relationship… Most of the mechanisms of a good partnership are in place, and this lack is not indicative of deeper issues and resentment.
It just didn’t meanto the one what it meant to the other… And so that person didn’t see. Didn’t know. Until it was too late.
“Unfair!”, the now-scorned party cries out.
“I know…”, sighs the cauterised soul, empathically even. “I didn’t know either, what it would come to mean. But this is it”.
“But I still desire you… You’re the only one… If it’s any one, it’s YOU…”.
“I wish that mattered now, but it just doesn’t”.
To repeat myself:
There’s a mystery to intimacy that cannot be taken for granted.
It’s a delicate and ethereal thing, at times. That needs to be nurtured and curated and cared for.
Or it can be spirited away…
Despite the best of good intentions…
Despite the most sound and valid reasons why that intimacy wasn’tnurtured, curated and actively cared for.
Humans need to feel desired… And they particularly need to feel desired and sensually validated by the object of theirdesire. I’ve watched and listened to the suffering of the ‘undesired’. And it’s brutal…
Do you know what they invariably do? They hold back… They stop initiating… They quietly place the intimacy ball in their partner’s court, but they don’t tell that person that this is what they have done. And then they watch. And wait… And wait… And wait… And very little happens… For quite a long time… And the ‘undesired’ ascribes meaning to this… And that meaning grows legs.
It either blows up and gets them to therapy or some sort of powerful therapeutic encounter.
Or the ‘undesired’ finds that he or she stops desiring too.
“Remember all the times you turned me down
I’m sorry if this hurts your heart but I have to speak
My mind”.
“If I’d known, I’d have paid more attention…
I wasn’t repulsed or unattracted or disinterested…
I just didn’t know…”.
“But I told you. Over and over again”.
“I remember now. I just didn’t hear your heart then. I just heard your words. And felt the demand and chore in them. I only know now what you meant. What I was doing to you”.
Emotional Kinship and Friendship Intimacy
Intimacy in relationships has many faces. The most obvious is sensual and sexual. But physical touch, for some, is not a fundamental primary love language. And I have a sense that, for many, it’s justoneof a great numberof ways to express exclusive love. It doesn’t meanthe same thing to all people. But it certainly means to youwhat it means to you, and to me likewise. From those vantage points, we will shape our perceptions of the kind of relationships we are in. Thus, communication is really exceptionally key. We need to know where our partners lean on these issues.
For some, it’s not naked connection and bedroom bliss. At all. For some, it’s emotional kinship. It’s being heard. Being listened to. Being courted. Being validated.
And a paucity of this pops a leak in their love tank faster than the Titanic’s iceberg. In the absence of these love gifts, they feel lost. There’s slack in the system. A boredom. A frustration… A withdrawal.
And imagine a scenario where such a person is coupled with a very tactile partner, feeling lost and deserted for lack of physical closeness. And then imagine that these two don’t know how to speak about it… Or to find each other in all the sentiment of rejection.
I had thought that it was Winston Churchill who was quoted as saying something to the effect that he wished he’d known that 5-10 minutes of genuine, interested conversation with his wife would have saved his marriage, and caused it to thrive. But a cursory Google search proved me wrong, and I found, rather, that it seems Churchill had a rather robust and fulfilling marriage, and even expounding relationship advice.
So, rather, somebody,somewheresaid that, and I’m certainly saying it today! And also, that paying mind to your partner’s needs, whatever they are, and especiallywhen you’re differently wired, is entirely essential to the satisfying longevity of your relationship…
Because the lack of it may just mean enough to them to withdraw… To retreat… And to walk away. Even if they’re getting it wrong. Even if they’re only playing with half the deck, and you hold the other half…
So, if you care, and I suspect you do, take your partner’s hand, and lead them to the bedroom… Show him or her in a way s/he can connect with…
And if you care, and I suspect you do, switch off your Wi-Fi… Switch off your devices… Ask questions… Listen to the answers… Share advice… Smile. Laugh. Relax into the moment. Remember why you chose this one…
Lest this one forgets.
About The Author:
Debbie is a psychologist and marriage therapist, with 15 years' experience in a busy private practice. She also owns and runs an online platform called "THE SHRINK ON YOUR COUCH". The aim of this is to make psychological principles meaningful for people,without necessarily needing to attend traditional psychotherapy.
Debbie creates and sells transformational digital programs for couples in crisis, or those wanting to enhance their connection.
If this particular article resonated, you may want to have a look at her RELATIONSHIP REHAB: From Conflict to Connection program, which is a very special deep-dive into mending bonds between couples in crisis, or who simply want to enhance and strengthen their communication. This program is EVEN great as a pre-marriage endeavour.
She also provides online coaching, counselling and relationship therapy. You can access these services by booking time using this link - https://meetme.so/DebbieRahimi or by emailing info@theshrinkonyourcouch.com
You can also get onto her regular mailing list by signing up here - https://www.theshrinkonyourcouch.com/ebook1
