In my experience, people in romantic relationships handle conflict in one of two ways:
- Some tend to rush in and resolve.
- Some tend to run away and hide.
The rush-in-and-resolve type is usually quite anxious, and craves connection with their partner, above all else. They are wired to resolve issues by talking about them. They tend to become quite agitated (even to the point of hysteria) when they are not able talk and engage about what is troubling them.
The run-away-and-hide type is wired to resolve issues by thinking about them, quietly and in solitude. They shut down, in the face of conflict. It’s as if their entire social function goes into “lock-down”. They may become uncharacteristically enraged and explosive, when they feel forced to engage, before they are ready.
I very often consult with couples who have one of each type. The combination can be like petrol and fire, when discord or animosity hits. The more anxious the Resolver becomes, the more withdrawn the Hider gets. In turn, the more the hider withdraws, the more the resolver escalates. Eventually the hider feels forced out of solitude, and very threatened, and the situation explodes into chaos and hysteria. At this point, most such couples tell me that the fight becomes “about the fight, and the way they fight”, more than about what actually triggered the argument.
The difficulty is that each party’s needs, in the conflict, are different. The resolver needs connection, and usually feels an overwhelming disconnect from his/her partner, when in conflict. The hider usually needs to process, and often can only do such processing alone, away, and in quiet. You will see clearly how these core needs are at odds with each other, and compound the situation. Neither party is at fault – I always tell my couples how these tendencies are hard-wired and innate. The couple needs to gain some awareness of this dynamic, and learn to work with it, rather than allow it to overwhelm them.
But how?
Once I have shown my couples how their conflict styles clash, I teach them how to manage them more effectively. I ask them to choose a “safe word”, which either party can activate, when they feel they have entered dangerous conflict territory. The couple needs to agree, in advance, that when that safe word is uttered, they will disengage from each other completely, for a prescribed period of time, and then later return to each other for a healthier, less emotional chat, about what has triggered the argument.
What the safe word means, when uttered:
- We love each other, and are committed to making the relationship work.
- We know that no good will come from continuing the current interaction. To use a colloquial turn of phrase, “we have seen this movie before, and know exactly how it ends”.
- We choose to honour our relationship and each other, by applying what we have now learnt.
- We will immediately separate, for a predetermined length of time (usually for about an hour, if possible).
- We commit to returning to each other to have a healthier conversation about what has transpired.
The management of conflict in a relationship takes discipline, and discipline can be boring and banal. It takes discipline to choose to honour your relationship, when you’re very “revved up”, offended or angry. It takes discipline to back off, if you’re a resolver who’s just been “safe worded”. Similarly, it takes discipline to stick your neck out, and return for a chat, if you’re a hider who has been in a conflict. You simply have to decide that your relationship is worth it, and step up to the plate.
I often tell my couples that there is no magic pill to make conflict-torn relationships work. It takes discipline and commitment, and practice. On the point of practice: it’s foolish to imagine that you will get it right every time. There has to be enough grace and mercy in the relationship for you to occasionally get it wrong, but then acknowledge this and return, as quickly as possible, to your new commitments.
In summary, the keys to managing conflict in a relationship are:
- Know what your conflict style is.
- Know what your partner’s conflict style is.
- Know that these styles are hard-coded, and part of your partner’s personality. They won’t fundamentally change.
- Commit to turning down the volume on the intensity of the fights.
- Commit to do so by choosing a safe word.
- Use the safe word immediately, that conflict starts to rise.
- Honour the safe word, and each other, by adhering to its tenets: back off immediately, and then return as agreed, but now calmer, more composed, and ready to speak like lovers and friends, about what caused the initial fall out.
- Discipline, discipline, discipline!
