It’s Mother’s Day in my neck of the woods.
Which got me to thinking about being a mother and a shrink. And what my professional experience has taught me on the topic, that I use when raising my own girls.
I’d like to share some of it with you, quickly.
1. You absolutely must not be perfect.
Bless Donald Winnicott, an English Pediatrician and psychoanalyst, alive around the time that Freud walked the earth. He came up with the idea that, when raising toddlers, children and teenagers, it is absolutely essential to get it wrong sometimes. Real life is all about “rupture” and “repair” (things going wrong, and then things going right again)… And, who better to teach this to us, than our mothers, who we know love us… The mother-child relationship is the safest place for a toddler and child to learn that otherwise-good people can make mistakes, can get it wrong, and can frustrate their desires and needs. Because they will also observe the “repair” - the leaning back in… the frank conversations… the unconditional support.
Moms, celebrate the times when you get it wrong. Don’t even strive for perfection. Strive for an authentic and loving demonstration of real life and real relationship to your Little.
2. When you get it wrong, be REAL!
I believe in connection above all else. I love Rumi, the 13th century Persian Poet who said, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing there is a field. I'll meet you there”. We are all fallible humans. Connection and human contact is more important than score-keeping and merit badges. Be real with your kids. When you’ve been a fallible human, own up. Apologize. Repair the rupture. Return to Rumi’s field. What could be healthier, for a small person, than to see that their mother, who adores them, also cries, shouts, miscalculates, and has poofy off days… And then owns it.
3. It takes a village to raise a child. Don’t try and do it alone!
I love this African proverb… It’s so forgiving… It’s so honest. No mum can do it all alone, all the time… And all the people that love our children have something unique to offer them… I cannot teach my daughters everything they need to know. They need the wisdom of their grannies, aunties, teachers, nannies and neighbours. If I don’t lean on these resources, I deprive my girls of a rounded life experience, and exposure to a wide range of “ways of being”. In turn, when I am generous with my kids, and allow them their village, I, in turn, am afforded some space for my own goals, dreams and rest. Find your village. Let them in. Love their kids too.
Happy Mother’s Day, to the mums, mums-to-be, and village mums… Celebrate your roles, and please, sometimes screw it up!
