I won’t lie: I’m almost a little embarrassed to write this up. I’m not entirely sure if what I’m going to speak about is ‘the human condition’ or just a deficit in me, specifically. However, it’s because I experience it so acutely that I’ve been able to assist others as powerfully as I oftentimes have. So I’m going to power through the shame and tell you how I get it wrong, in the hope that it might assist you too. 

Sunday morning, some weeks back. I woke up feeling a little tender and a little blue. “That day” had arrived. The day we would bid adieu to a much loved “cousin-sister”, and her little family we adore, as they set sale for the greener pastures of New Zealand. The morning felt heavy. 

Strike 1:

In the bathroom, applying my make-up, and my daughter walked in. “How am I supposed to eat breakfast?!”, she asked with a somewhat incredulous tone. I got my back up a little. “Just have something light, baby”, I said. “We’ll eat at the airport”.’

“No maaaaannn”, she countered, “Jack is in the kitchen”.

Jack. Jack the black Labrador puppy. Who bites like a mo-fo.

I realised what she was asking. That she was actually requesting help. I was on a different page completely (as in alternate universe). 

It didn’t MATTER, really. 

It wasn’t material to anything.

But we weren’t having the same conversation at all. 

Strike 2:

When I’m edgy and out-of-sorts, I tend to be a little snarky and sarcastic. In a #jokingnotjoking, #funnynotfunny kind of way. I sensed a bit of inner irritation towards my husband, WHOLLY unfair and underserved, in retrospect. But, stuck in the moment, I nursed an historical resentment, and made an extremely passive-aggressive comment. You know the type you KNOW is unfair, before you’ve even uttered it? He chuckled and walked away. But doubled back almost immediately. Standing in the doorway, he asked, “Babe are you JOKING, or are you a psychopath?”. LOL, I agree with him; those really were the only two options against which to assess what I’d said. And I was rather relieved that he asked, that directly, as it forced me to consider my behaviour and the fairness of my words. I laughed it off with him, but made a mental note to deal with MYSELF on the unfair resentment and let it go.

Strike 3, and this is the clincher -

Now en route to the somber airport farewell. Myself at the wheel, and the girls in the backseat. Nicely on time, traffic smooth and easy.

And then a voice from the backseat:

“Mommy, what is your soul?”.

[Insert suitably severe expletive here]. Seriously, are we having this conversation now... I’d honestly rather do birds and bees. In my 40ish years on the planet, I’ve experimented with various versions of spirituality, but have yet to arrive at a coherent sense of truth I’d be confident to pour into my impressionable child. But I bumbled along clumsily, saying things like, “well, it’s the part of you that really makes you who you are”, “it’s close to your heart”,’”it’s the part of you that lives forever”.

And then the voice from the backseat, “Oh. Because I thought it was part of your FOOT”.

Sole.

Ah. Ok. Sole. Not soul.

That’s easier.

But BOOM! Is it just ME or do we sometimes not understand each other at ALL? Are we sometimes corresponding from parallel universes, speaking sound into an abyss, and merely hoping that they are interpreted in our communication counterpart the way we intended?

I actually know it’s not just me. Because, as a relationship therapist, I see the same play out day-in-and-day out in my consulting room. About sensitive issues, and even really banal, innocuous, neither-here-nor-there conversations. It’s for this exact reason that so many treatment modalities (mine included!) allow for a clarity check-in, once an argument or a hurt has been tabled, in a stressed relationship. It goes along the lines of, “Ok, babe, if I am understanding you correctly, you are upset because of... [paraphrase back what you think you heard your partner say]. And watch then confusion that can ensue from there!

It gets to the point where I actually suggest that very impaired couples do this exercise over and over and over again initially, on a whole spectrum of issues... “If I understand you, you are hungry and want to eat”. “If I understand you, you want me to turn right here”. Frivolity aside, you’d be amazed, a few exchanges in, how much subtlety and nuance you might miss, for assuming you’re aligned and in the same dimension. 

Just some food for thought!

Does this speak to you?

If your romantic relationship is afflicted by similar ailments, then I would highly recommend that you consider enrolling yourselves on my RELATIONSHIP REHAB: From Conflict to Connection transformational digital program.  In this program, I have basically condensed EVERYTHING that couples on my couch find life-changing in their conflict resolution, constructive communication, and ability to really hear, respect and understand each other. SO they can be free to "DO LIFE" with each other with care, intimacy and passion!