I work with a lot of single people.
Single in their 20s, 30s, 40’s, 50’s and 60’s.
Some are single by choice.
Some are single and seeking.
Dating in 2022-and-beyond poses challenges. The side effects of COVID lock-down have upped the ante on how hard it is to meet new and interesting people.
Somehow most of us got a little (or a lot!) more insular.
But this can be overcome with a smattering of effort, usually in the form of Tinder and other dating apps.
What To Do When There’s “No Spark”.
What people struggle to overcome, however, is the disappointing date with the otherwise lovely person, with whom there is simply ‘no spark’.
What does one do when enjoying an evening with someone who is kind, warm, and engaging, but who evokes no ‘feels’ within you...?
Or who is perhaps conceptually eligible-and-appropriate, but leaves you ‘stone-cold’ and even somewhat bored?
May I suggest to you, what I have suggested to such clients and patients for nearly 20 years?
YOU TRY AGAIN.
YOU GIVE IT 3 STRIKES.
YOU PERSEVERE, for a moment.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s not because I think coupledom trumps singledom, and one needs to be ‘involved at any cost’. Or that a sub-average relationship is aspirational.
That’s ridiculous.
And it’s not that I’m downplaying the role of chemistry in romantic relationships.
But chemistry comes in different forms.
Instant connection.
Or slow and enduring.
And chemistry sometimes makes us repeat our patterns, rather than correct or challenge them.
Sometimes the perceived ‘knight in shining armour’ who gives all the feels is just an asshole in tinfoil.
All that glitters isn’t gold.
And much of what doesn’t burst into life immediately can be an immense gift in the passage of time.
Often the “spark” (or lack thereof) is less about compatibility, and more about one’s attachment style, and mental and emotional state at the time.
We know that we are compelled to repeat our patterns until we resolve them. And we know that we gravitate not to what is best for us, but to what is familiar. We find comfort in what we know. Even if we don’t want to know those experiences any longer.
We enter a new dating scenario with all our unconscious baggage.
This baggage, lying well beneath our conscious awareness, shoots up thoughts and feelings and responses which make us respond in a particular way.
But these responses won’t necessarily be to the human in front of us.
Mostly, at this stage of the game, they might be our biases, previous hurts, and future anxieties interfering.
Or our idea of what we are looking for, betraying, perhaps, what we really need.
And it’s possible that, seated before us, is someone we don’t recognise, in our history of hurt.
And so, we discard, and call them ‘boring’ or ‘bland’ or ‘unrelatable’.
I believe it’s worth due diligence.
I often tell my clients that unless the person is reprehensible or repugnant to them, that it’s worth at least a second, and possibly a third interaction, before crossing them off your dance card. And while doing that due diligence, also challenge yourself with some honest introspection, journaling, counsel from trusted friends, and even perhaps a spot of therapy.
Because the unexamined life is not worth living; each date, career advancement, struggle and challenge is made rich and meaningful when viewed as a data point in your journey towards self-awareness and actualisation.
Wow what a nice posts. Thank you. I follow this advice and often go on. Second date even if there was no spark. This does help me to learn who they are and what I really want in a long term partner.