I hear so often, from many of my high-conflict couples, that they often lose track of what they are even arguing about, because the fight itself gets so bad and heated. And because they’ve been undisciplined in how they deal with each other and the relationship for so long, they have really bad habits that have become entrenched and automatic.

This is tricky for a few reasons, the least of which is that they never make any headway towards resolving the real problems. And perhaps in such an instance the toxic conflict becomes a ruse or a smokescreen, because it’s easier to fight than to actually do the work of resolution (or walking away).

When working with a couple in this predicament, I always suggest that we draw a line in the sand, and divide reality into “pre-intervention” and “post-intervention”. And that we agree that we place the relationship into something of an incubator, and care-take it in a very structured, particular way for the duration of our therapy. In short, I ask for a concerted effort, where there is an acceptance that their actions and reactions need to change, and that this takes discipline, work and effort.

In my RELATIONSHIP REHAB program, I ask couples to work through 6 very specific commitments, before getting into the meat of the material. I have learnt  if we don’t set ground rules about what we are doing and not doing, the process implodes before it’s begun. So I ask couples to deliberately and consciously choose kindness. Choose temperance. Activate the benefit of the doubt. Harness the power of instant apology, and quick ready forgiveness. And to have grace for each other, in the knowledge that dramatic change will not be immediate or linear.

This makes the world of difference, and it’s often these 6 commitments that are still being referenced years later. Not even for what they are, but for what the represent. They represent “I’m going to try”. They represent “I have faith that we can fix this”. They represent “I’m willing to do the work”. They represent “This is how I show you that I’m trying”.

But it takes discipline and self-management to turn the tide on a troubled relationship. Without discipline, I almost cannot help, and I’d hazard a guess that nor can my colleagues. With discipline, the tools and skills imparted in an intervention can be almost magical in efficacy.

The difficulty with discipline, no matter the arena, is that we have to apply it when we least want to. In the moment. In the moment of heat, anger, hurt. In the moment is when we make good on our commitment to change. Or don’t. And that momentary flicker of consideration can make all the difference to the success or failure of the relationship over time.

If you’re keen to know more about Relationship Rehab, and these commitments, I’d urge you to sign up here (the first module is available on a trial basis, so you get a sense of what the program can do for you, before committing).