Straight-up Disclaimer:
It goes without saying that, in life, there are (many) elements that are completely beyond our control. Things go wrong; things fall apart. This article is speaking ONLY to that which is WITHIN our spheres of influence. Within every negative (and positive) life circumstance, there are pieces that we can change, and pieces that we simply cannot.
It’s also not written from the comfort and vantage of my pristine high horse! Oh no! Au contraire! Most of what I know, professionally, I learnt and cling to now, because it was my own “ticket out”.
So here we go!
I’m really considering having “CHOOSE YOUR HARD” tattooed on my person…
I just performed a quick, unsuccessful Google search to ascertain who first coined the term. But to no conclusive avail. It just seems to have mushroomed as a narrative and a concept, rather than being attributable to the usual suspects (Nike, Tony Robbins, etc).
It’s so true that both options (there are always 2 options) are difficult. But you choose the nature and tone that you want “difficult” to take in your life…
It’s sometimes hard to consistently and persistently work on emotional regulation and self-care.
It’s hard NOT TO, and to hit a wall of burnout, exhaustion and damaged relationships.
It’s sometimes difficult to make healthy, non-compulsive food choices.
It’s difficult to be overweight and unhealthy. And to lack confidence and self-esteem.
It’s sometimes hard to save intelligently, and to spend with care.
It’s hard to be in debt and constantly stressed about money.
It’s sometimes difficult to be an attentive, kind, loving wife and mother (or whatever roles in life befall you).
It’s difficult to be in a conflict-riddled family/marriage.
It’s sometimes hard to keep abreast of your child’s homework/discipline/social life/general well-being. It’s hard to have a child that’s been poorly parented and guided.
It’s sometimes difficult to have frank and courageous conversations with tricky stakeholders or colleagues at work.
It difficult to watch things burn, and suffer the consequences, because the window closed and “I should” became “I should have”.
It’s my new motto.
I cannot choose your hard for you…
It’s particularly important to me, in my work, because I truly want to see you win. Whether as a psychotherapist in my physical private practice, or as a psycho-educator online, I know the limits of my own power and influence. I know that I have a set of skills, knowledge and experience that can do wonders for my clients. For you. But I know, too, that there are arenas within their lives over which I have no agency at all… (I know, for example, that I cannot create the desire in two people in a couple to stay together…I cannot create their love and commitment. I cannot coax back someone who has emotionally checked out. I certainly cannot revive or generate chemistry between them. These things are all mysteries of life, which exist beyond the realm of my profession).
Discipline is a muscle that needs to be regularly flexed, to be fit-for-duty when needed…
And then there’s discipline… Discipline is my nemesis in my work; I sometimes hate the pivotal role it will play (or not play) in determining the outcome for a well-meaning individual or couple in my care. Discipline is usually the most vital ingredient in the would-be successes of people trying to pull themselves out of a predicament, but it’s not something that I can import from Bangladesh, bottle and sell. And it’s a muscle that needs to be pretty regularly flexed to be effective, and on tap when required. No one decides today to be a power lifter, and tomorrow lifts powerfully!
Discipline is my “one big BUT” when selling the keys to happy relationships and to overcoming destructive behavior. “Do all of these things”; “Use all of these skills and strategies”… But exercise DISCIPLINE. Without discipline, it’s all hot air…Have restraint. When everything within you wants to let loose and go left, GO RIGHT.
Essentially, what I’m saying to these people before me is, ‘CHOOSE YOUR HARD”… It’s difficult to be stuck in a toxic conflict cycle in your relationship. But it’s equally difficult to use “Debbie’s safe word strategy”, when all I want to do is tell the person I love to f&*^ right off!
It’s difficult to be so full of anxiety and compulsion and overwhelming emotion. It’s difficult to just want relief… But it’s also difficult to deal with the consequences of relieving destructive actions like rage outbursts, retail therapy, drug relapse, work absenteeism, etc.
Which is harder, in the long run..? Which choice will best serve you, when the dust has settled and the dealing is done?
But then, what is discipline, and how does it work..?
So 5 or 10 years ago, DISCIPLINE = WILLPOWER… And willpower was viewed as some bizarre super power that other people have… (People who frequent gyms at 4:30am and study post-graduate degrees for fun). Willpower was viewed as a “trying with all your might”, and employing great effort. At great cost… And, with an almost inevitable backlash into relapse.
The more forgiving, contemporary view, however, is that discipline is simply the art of strategically focusing your attention.
- Strategically: having a strategy… having a plan… doing it for a reason… (choosing your hard?)
- Focusing: Taking charge of your mind… (I always have a mental image of literally ‘going and fetching’ one’s mind… taking it by the hand, and literally putting it exactly where you want it…)
- Your attention:Your mind, and your mindfulness.
So, basically, discipline is making an informed decision, to serve a longer-term outcome, and then engaging all of your sensory and cognitive faculties, to bring about that single-minded purpose. Discipline is “just doing it”. It’s the awareness that you have two options, and “choosing your hard”.
Action points for your week:
- Does it resonate with you too?
- What are the “hards” you are facing?
- Which is the wiser option?
- How are you going to “work it” in your favor?What are you going to decide to do now, and then act on within 72 hours to ensure success?
