The Question

I have recently been asked whether it's possible for someone who has strayed numerous times - and often across numerous relationships - to change their ways. Whether such a person would realistically ever be able to be wholly faithful to their partner of choice.

This question has actually been posed to me by partners on all sides of the cheating equation. Obviously, a doting - but betrayed - partner would love the answer to this question. And, in all truth, a person currently horrified with his/her behaviour may at times also want some professional answers to this very important question. Even those people newly engaged in an ‘actual relationship’ that started as an affair wonder out loud about the prospect of their mutual long-term fidelity.

I must state my own bias upfront, for the point of fair debate and robust engagement: I am not a roaring fan of the idea that “the heart wants what it wants”, or that “these things just happen”… I think the most liberating epiphany for people who tend to stray is the idea that WE DO NOT HAVE TO ACT ON EVERY URGE AND FEELING THAT ARISES… So many of us actually believe that we do… That if we feel something, it must be true… But feelings are NOT facts... And feelings are transient little things, that wax and wane, shift and shape-shift depending on all sorts of internal and external factors. I truly believe that feelings are fanned into flames, and flames are fanned into blazes. But, with enough skill, self-management and foresight, it is possible also to dump a whole bucket of metaphorical sand on that initial flame, and turn one's focus to tending the embers of one's own actual reality. So my bias, upfront, is that we have CHOICE. And even in the face of overwhelming attraction, we can CHOOSE to leave it alone. At least until we figure out what it MEANS.

Cheating Is Just One Way We Act Out. We Act Out In MANY Ways… 

Almost everyone, I’m sure, truly wants to be the best version of themselves… Somewhere, in our heart of hearts, I believe we are wired to be ‘upwardly mobile’, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and even physically where possible. But life is hard, and living is hard. We let ourselves down. We are dealt really unfair cards. We ‘spring leaks’, through fault of our own, and no fault of our own. And for some, these leaks manifest primarily in their intimate life, sometimes in the form of serial affairs, serial one-night stands, or serial ‘inappropriate emotional connections’ (read: “sexting” / “it was all online” / “it was just coffee, but coffee every single day…”).

I view cheating as having “sprung a leak”… Something has gone wrong - somewhere - and now the ‘boat’ has a hole. Sometimes the ‘boat’ is the committed relationship… And sometimes the boat is actually the person cheating. Time, and processing, always tells which it is.

I’m not judgmental of cheating. Like I said above, life is hard, living is hard, we make bad decisions (often years before we cheat), and we let ourselves down. And who is at the top of their game dawn-to-dusk, Monday to Friday, New Year until Christmas..?

But Cheating Is A SYMPTOM... Figure out OF WHAT!

I’m also convinced that these things we bang our heads on are just symptoms. Where my flu may render me voiceless, yours may gift you with horrible nausea. So where your “issues” culminate in infidelity, mine may culminate in rage, verbal abuse, passive aggression, addiction, etc.  When an individual or a couple in my office tell me about cheating, I don’t see it as fundamentally different to any other ‘acting out’ behaviour. It’s just information to me. Information about where they are hurting, how they are hurting, and indeed how they’ve probably been hurt. And yes, about bad decisions they’ve made along the way, that are now coming home to roost.

Sidebar…

Some people opt out of monogamy completely… They radically accept their own inability to get all of their needs met in one relationship, and configure arrangements that suit them better, and thereby render them more honest people. Whether it’s swinging, which is mostly exclusively sexual (often “no strings attached”), or “poly-amory”, which implies literally having multiple loves (like bigamy), or simply contracting with one’s partner for an open relationships, there are a plethora of ways to do sex and sexuality. Whatever permutation this might take, there are perhaps more people than you realise unsubscribing from the mainstream, in this regard. This is surely a different conversation, for a different day, and obviously has its own sets of perils and pitfalls. But I wouldn’t be providing a rounded view on the topic of infidelity if I didn’t present this at least as an alternative.

What I love about dialogue and discourse is that often times mere exposure to a contrary view further entrenches our commitment to our own view, and then allows us the opportunity to convince ourselves of why. And frankly, most people I work with who tend to have a wandering eye would sooner gauge that eye out than modify their entire approach to love and loving, to include multiple partners. Overstated on the eye-gauging, but you get my drift!

It’s not an answer for most people. Most people would see this as a personal failure, were it their only solution, to the problem of staying faithful to one partner.

So can cheaters stop cheating..? 

It’s impossible to separate prognosis from cause, when asking if faithfulness and magical monogamy is possible. We need to understand whether our sore throat is malignant, or a benign little playschool virus. We need to understand what it is, and where it comes from, before we can determine whether it can be fixed, and if so, what strategies to employ in treatment.

So why do people cheat? In my experience (and in this regard, my experience is vast), most people have cheated for one of four reasons. Some may have cheated for a combination of all four, in all four ways, over time.

Cheating as an indication that the relationship is over.

Call it laziness;  a lack of drive and gumption to lean in when the going gets tough in a long term relationship, and do the necessaries to fix it, while there is still something to fix...

Call it cowardice; an inability to stand ALONE and admit that all is lost (without the 'wing-man' or 'refuge' of a new flame).

Call it a genuine fear of being alone…

Or being ‘content’ with what they have, but aware that they would like more… And therefore being open to, and inviting of that more.

Whatever we call it, long-term relationships often end as a result of infidelity. And this type of infidelity usually hurts badly because it involves genuine intimacy and affection in the ‘affair’. This is a horrid betrayal. Unbeknownst to the person being cheated on, a whole relationship has blossomed in the shadows, and now overshadows and changes everything.

The prognosis for future faithfulness for people who have exited a relationship in this way is minimally average. Without real self-reflection and self-work, unless their new relationship is profoundly fulfilling to them, they will in all likelihood repeat the cycle down the line.  It’s not uncommon to hear from people that this is the only way in which they have ever left a relationship…

How To Address This, If You've Been In This Movie Before, And Never Want An Encore:

1. In a new relationship, do everything differently... PUSH IN, to resolve conflict, and nurture the bond and connection, from day one. But in year three and year seven, keep doing this. Do it DELIBERATELY. Do it as though your life depends on it. Attend relationship enhancement courses and couple counselling. Learn from inspiring friends. Just don't stop. If you stop, you're at risk of repeating the cycle. The PROBLEM with what's happened here is that the relationship has been allowed to die, long before time of death is called.
2. Prioritise HONESTY over all else. First with yourself, and then with your partner. All the time.
3. Spend time ALONE. Get comfortable with alone-ness. Get comfortable with loneliness. Learn what these things feel like. And realise that that they are transient and bearable. As Ally McBeal of the 80's said, "there's nothing lonelier than being with the wrong person". Get real about loneliness, and the fear of being alone, and where it actually lies.

Cheating as a symptom of something that is lacking in the current relationship, but also ultimately an indication that the current relationship is the desired and preferred one.

This is honestly my favourite couple to work with, because the prognosis is good, and the healing often comes quickly. Someone has strayed, possibly as a culmination of all sorts of personal and relationship factors. But there's a crisis. A crescendo. Things come to a head. And both partners lean IN.  It's not unusual, in this world, to incur 'temporary foggy brain', or to lose touch with reality at times. To get 'stuck in a moment', as per the U2 hit of the 90's. But when the crisis hits, and the liaison becomes common knowledge, it's like the scales fall from the cheater's eyes. Not only can they not fathom what they were thinking, but they would run across town on freshly-amputated stumps to win back their long-term love.

The obvious long-term challenge here are forgiveness, trust, respect, and restoration of the pre-infidelity intimacy level. These things are not simple.

But if they are achieved, the prognosis is good. This couple often goes on to tend their relationship in a way never done before. I know it's hard to imagine, but I've even known couples to express a kind of ironic gratitude for the infidelity, given the manner in which it became a catalyst for massive intimate and emotional growth within the union.

How To Address This, If You've Been In This Movie Before, And Never Want An Encore:

1. PUSH IN, to resolve conflict, and nurture the bond and connection. Do it DELIBERATELY. Do it as though your life depends on it. Attend relationship enhancement courses and couple counselling. Learn from inspiring friends. Just don't stop. If you stop, you're at risk of repeating the cycle. The PROBLEM with what's happened here is that flaws in the relationship have gone untended, leaving open doors of need that can be fulfilled by other people.
2. Prioritise HONESTY over all else. First with yourself, and then with your partner. All the time.

Cheating as a symptom of personal and psychological trauma on the part of the cheater

There is an instance where infidelity is completely out of character for the cheating party. And happens in close proximity to a seemingly unrelated trauma or loss in his/her life. I often speak of the 'grief affair' which occurs alarmingly often in the wake of a close bereavement. (It seems that such an affair simply offers an escape from the cruel and hideous reality of that person's current lived experience... And they're therefore all too willing to get intoxicated on the fumes of lust and desire. Every component of their actual life represents and reminds them of their loss. And the new, fresh flame allows them to forget, even if just for a short while.

Post-bereavement affairs are common... Post-trauma affairs are common... Post-retrenchment affairs are common (often as such job loss is incredibly disempowering and harmful to the self).

But again, much like in the instance cited before this one, the bubble eventually bursts, and the cheater hits solid ground with a THUD! Usually less than enamoured with the object of their affection, and now with a mess of epic proportions to try and clean up.

This formulation is not an excuse. It doesn't make the betrayal 'ok'... And often it's particularly hurtful to the spouse, given that he/she has most likely been doing somersaults to comfort and contain the trauma or bereavement, but is pushed away symptomatically.

How To Address This If You've Been In This Movie Before And Never Want An Encore:

Once you've landed at Ground Zero, acknowledge what has happened, and what you've done. Seek therapy. Seek guidance. Seek spirituality and mindfulness. Seek forgiveness and restoration. Attend relationship counselling.

And then commit to truth, in all respects, going forward. The prognosis of such a situation is usually good, as people seldom repeat such behaviour, even in the face of a subsequent trauma or loss. That's the beauty of insight and self-awareness. Once you understand something, the hold it has on you is often diminished or broken entirely.

Cheating as an indication that one or both parties are simply not built for monogamy

And then there exists that small minority of people for whom fidelity is neither desirable nor achievable... (I've sometimes worked with couples on issues like communication and conflict, who mention, almost in passing, that one or both has another partner. The existence of the third party is honestly the least of their concerns, blow your mind as that may...

Obviously the prognosis in such a situation is poor. These relationships only really work when fidelity is not a requirement. I know of many people who turn a blind eye, saying things like, "I don't care what you do when away from me, but just keep it tidy, and keep it away from my door". As I've said many times before, there are a million and one ways to 'do life', and each way has it's own payoffs. It's everyone's mandate to create a life that they can live in.

Towards a Conclusion...

So there you have it... In sum, in my experience there are four main 'types' of cheating... Each with their own REASONS, and thus each with their own unique PROGNOSES. Cheating is ALWAYS, however, an indication that COMMUNICATION and CONNECTION has broken down, somewhere along the way... As much as I say it's just one way in which people act out, it does of course have massively hurtful consequences, that can become emotionally fatal in and of themselves. But the first port of call, in such a crisis, is to be brutally honest with yourselves and each other about what has happened, and WHAT IT MEANS. It's always the MEANING more than the event that is profoundly significant.