Introduction

I reflect a lot upon my life and my experiences. I ponder meaning and anecdotal links, and lessons that I can derive from them. And I apply these lessons to other instances. Perhaps this practice is heightened by the nature of the work that I do, as a psychotherapist and online course creator. But when I listen to my patients and my friends, I find exactly the same meaning-making in their narratives too.  And so I conclude that it’s really the human condition, and we’re all in this together!

Backstory

If you know me, you will know that I do not currently own a vehicle. Mine was written off in an accident in 2016, and I have chosen, thus far, not to replace it. I make use, exclusively, of the UBER platform or whichever kind and willing person in my world feels like ferrying me around. And, in a previous article, (that you can read here), I considered the varying responses of the people who my kids and I refer to as “Uber Uncles” (and aunties), when we request trips that are very short, and thus not very lucrative.Such trips are probably quite disappointing to the driver, and I chatted about the concept of radical acceptance… How accepting life on life’s terms, and not really expecting special treatment, can usher in an almost magical (and VERY special) synergy with ‘life’. Things often fall into place when we stop wishing they were other that what they are. And start working with what is.

Well, that’s all back story.

Change Your Mind; Change Your Life

What I want to speak about today is PERSPECTIVE… And to demonstrate the truth that we see the world the way WE are, and not necessarily the way IT IS!

Let me explain:

I had lunch at a local Greek restaurant yesterday, with a ‘forever friend’. You know the type: we’re not sure exactly when or how we met… But it’s been decades, with long and short interludes between meetings. There’s a comfortable and nostalgic care and connection, and time together is time well spent!

After lunch, the plan was for him to return to my home, but I needed to do a quick blitz around a grocery store before. And the store I wanted to visit was basically over the road from the restaurant… 500 meters, perhaps… Uphill, to be fair. But very close! In my estimation, FAR too close to hail a cab for.

My friend disagreed, considering the heat of the day, the needs of my two small children, and perhaps his own abhorrence for exercise.

I argued my point, and his response lead to the crux of this article.

“Rubbish!”, he said. “500 meters is easy money for that driver! The easiest R26 he’ll ever make!”

And all the pennies dropped for me, and have been dropping ever since.

MY “how could we possibly?”  is HIS “how could we not?”.

We both have valid points, for sure… And I’m sure, too, that if we opened the floor to a number of Uber Uncles and Aunties, they would have their own views and perspectives, possibly tending towards either side of our debate.

Towards Freedom...

Embracing my friend’s view was liberating to me. I have quite a lot of natural angst around this issue (and others). Taking his view sooths my emotional state when needing to book a short Uber trip. And, as Boyzone told us in the 90’s, “what we believe is true”…

And the truths we select then make our experiences easier or harder to cope with.

If I choose to believe that these drivers are burdened by my short trip requests, I incur the corresponding sense of guilt, and react to them overly apologetically and sycophantically. And I waste valuable emotional energy on this.

If I choose to believe that they are fortunate to be in business, and to have me as a consumer of their services, then I am not bothered and emotionally taxed by something over which I have little control anyway.

It’s a scenario in which there simply IS no black or white, right or wrong. But adopting my friend’s stance on the matter afforded me great emotional freedom. And emotional freedom is always a massive win.

Anything in life which affords emotional freedom is definitely worth embracing.

The Greater Lessons...

Short Uber trips, and their emotional impact on the driver and the rider are probably not worthy of a weighty thesis. But the underlying lessons, more generally, definitely are…

As thinking, rational, intelligent adults, we have the luxury of choice. I didn’t always know that, in life, we have some ‘say’ in the positions we take… That we have versatility and agency in terms of what to believe, what to permit, and what to embrace. That we can robustly challenge our thoughts and emotions and shift them – authentically and with full integrity (as opposed to with denial and defensiveness).

In recent years, I have been increasingly exposed to very inspiring and holistically successful people who have noteworthy cognitive agility. They take charge of the permeability of their minds and hearts. They literally gate-keep, interrogate and manage the flow of thoughts that they allow into their consciousness. I know people who decide what they fixate on, and what they don’t. If a train of thought doesn’t serve them, they don’t entertain it. They just move away from it. Deliberately. I’ve come to realise that this is the next frontier in boundariedness… As psychologists and people we are often exposed to the idea of boundaries, and specifically where to place them between ourselves and others. What level of engagement, enmeshment and involvement is ‘appropriate’ (another very adult term), and when we, or someone else, have overstepped the mark, and is now ‘off-sides’.

And Further...

Interestingly, in the Uber from the grocery story home, the same friend was chatting about people we both know, who are conducting a particularly sordid and hurtful affair (the executors and beneficiaries are all long-standing friends and houseguests). In much the same vein as the narrative of this article, I sighed that people “really don’t HAVE to act on everything they feel”, and that there “really are times to just go for a walk or have a nap”, rather than yielding to what will ultimately have been a transient emotional state that would have been better avoided. Before it blew up their lives, and the lives of several other people.

Whether it’s Uber philosophy or affair philosophy, the moral remains the same: adults are (or should be!) powerful creatures with robust powers of discernment and self-regulation. We need to interrogate our beliefs and our emotions, because they become our stories, our truths and our fates.

Several years ago, my dad died, under circumstances that were hideously traumatic for a host of reasons.

When chatting to a wise mentor about this, I expressed that “this will take me my whole life to get over”.

She very simply answered, “well, Debbie, that’s a choice you will make. But I’m telling you that you can get through this very, very quickly, if you choose to think about it differently”.

I thought she was insensitive, at the time, much as I love and respect her.

But, of late, I do get it.

I do see how perspectives are so malleable… So fluid… So housed within the dictates of our own minds, worldviews, experiences and sensitivities.  And I see how my own views and opinions change rapidly as I experience spiritual and psychological growth and maturity.

And my encounter with my friend, yesterday, just so well illustrated this point.

What About You?

Do you relate, at all..? Are you troubled by stories you’ve made up in your head, and clung to as true, that perhaps could be differently framed..?

Have you considered the possibility that some of your most firmly held beliefs and views could have alternative explanations and formulations..?

I’ve spoken before, on my online platform, about the concept of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the conflicted space we find ourselves in when our beliefs and behavior (or desired behavior) clash. We are taught by the theorists that the way out of this is to change the belief or stop the behavior (or desire for the behavior). This has seemed, in the past, like quite a tall order… But perhaps it actually isn’t – in the cold light of day, with clear minds and mature consciousness.

I would challenge you, if any of this resonates, to spend some time considering the inner turmoils you may be facing, and consider how versatility of stance may assist, and afford you increased emotional freedom. What we believe is true, yes. But what we belief is not inherent or innate. It’s a dynamic, constantly moving river, that swells, rushes and can burst its banks as we grow, learn and challenge ourselves.