We talk a lot about ‘relationship therapy’ and ‘marriage counselling’ to describe interactions between a psychologist and a couple.
It stands to reason that the minute a couple walks into a psychologist’s office (or logs onto a call), that they are in relationship counselling, and that they're working on their partnership.
But in my experience, this isn’t necessarily the case at all, and it’s an important distinction! There are, absolutely, those couples who contract with me to enhance their connection, to fine-tune their communication, or to acquire better strategies for dealing with their conflicts, their resentments, or to navigate a trauma or change. For them, the longevity or sustainability of their togetherness is not up for debate.
More often, though, couples who should have done this work months or years earlier, enter my care in a veritable state of emergency. They don’t begin with the kind of work I describe above.
Rather, their early phase involves deliberating whether they wish to remain together, and thus to enter the work of remedy and repair. They often haven’t had a meaningful conversation in months or years (or ever). The initial work often involves telling the whole story of their lives together, colouring in what has ailed them, and where the pain points are. The summary might be, “This is how we are broken? Is it reparable?”.
It can take a good number of hours for both partners to fully decide that they want to be together; that they have energy and appetite for the concerted effort that true therapy requires. This piece cannot be rushed.
I once read a position paper in which the author was arguing for the modification of marriage to be a 10-year contract, and not a lifelong intention. That, towards the 9th year, the couple would acknowledge that their contract is up for renewal. This would trigger a set of conversations about whether to renew or cancel, and which ‘clauses’ from the previous iteration need to be reworked, renegotiated or scrapped entirely. I find this to be a very interesting concept. Sometimes, when working with an ‘uncertain’ couple, I present this idea, and ask how they might modify the terms that exist between them, to make the union viable going forward. Even if the modifications are unorthodox. It gives a great languaging for possibility.
Proceeding directly into generic therapeutic interventions, like dealing with resentment, love languages, how to have a constructive conversation, date nights, how to deal with in laws, and all of those sorts of things can be futile (and frustrating) without a deliberate working alliance. That deliberate working alliance kicks in when both partners connect with the idea that, difficult as it may be, they wish to work towards the goal of reconnection, reconciliation and a renewed, better version of their relationship.
