Someone emailed me recently, asking how to deal with individual stress , when in a relationship, so that such stress doesn’t contaminate the whole relationship system.

I thought this was such a valid and important question.

Because, let’s be honest:

• Who bears the brunt of our worst, most heavily-pressured days? Our partners, right..? (And possibly our kids).
• Who suffers, when we’re moody, tired, hormonal, and stressed..?
• Who ‘sucks the hind tit’ (forgive me :-), when we’re out of emotional, intellectual and physical bandwidth..?
• Who is usually last in the queue, when we’re handing out party favours and general pleasantries…

Not all stress is bad. Performance coaches and psychologists talk about “eustress” and ‘distress’. The former is healthy and positive. It keeps us motivated and inspired. It’s sufficient to keep us on our toes, but benign enough not to overtax. Eustress is energising. It may even keep us awake, firing up the burners of inspiration and passion. All consuming as it too can be, it doesn’t hurt.

Distress, on the other hand, causes us to suffer. It’s heavy. It’s overwhelming. There’s no ‘thriving’ within such. It’s a black hole and a noose. It’s a thief that robs us of joy, of buoyancy and of self-actualization.

What causes distress?

So many things, says the cynic in me…

But, in truth, I’d nail distress etiology to:

• Being utterly beholden to something we hate (Think: debt. Think: bad bosses. Think: daily grind jobs that don’t interest us at all. Think: Serious illness (whether ours, or that of a loved one. Think: STUCKNESS).
• Feeling over-competent (i.e. bored), or under-competent (having a ‘fraud’ mentality). The operative word here is “feeling”. Objective truth is often irrelevant in the face of an overwhelming sentiment about capability. When you’re stretched and under pressure, perspective dwindles and feelings really do seem to be facts.
• Having an unrealistic workload, which is such a common reality in our current economies. I hear all the time of how one person is assigned the tasks of 4 or 5 people, coupled with maddening targets and minimal sympathy from higher ranks. Enjoyment and passion can quite quickly degenerate into hardship and hatred.
• Having limited control over our successes or failures. In a fair economy, what one puts in is what they get out. Sometimes the odds are simply not in our favour, and try as we may, we’re pegged to fail.
• Cognitive dissonance - a fundamental clash between something we hold as true, and an experience that doesn’t tally with that belief. Often this is a value issue, where a role requirement is at odds with our ethics.
• An external locus of control, either through disillusionment, or natural orientation for such. (Feeling, essentially, like ‘the world is happening to me’, and I have no influence over anything).

There are others, of course. But in the interests of a starting point, I jotted down but a few.

So what does distress do to us?

• You know when you’re physically present in the room, but you’re really not “there” at all..?
• When there’s a buzz all around you, but you feel a million miles away..?
• You battle to pour yourself into the moment? You probably don’t feel much..?
• You struggle to connect with your spouse, kids and friends?
• It feels as though there are invisible “walls” between you and the people around you?
• You may even find it difficult to “care”? And you certainly won’t feel much joy..?

And deserving of a sentence all on it’s own, your MOODY, GRUMPY, IRRITABLE and REACTIVE AF!

In short, the shrinks would describe you as “emotionally unavailable”.

By way of analogy, I tend to think of emotional unavailability along the lines of internal bleeding… Medically-speaking, someone who is haemorrhaging internally (due to an ulcer or accident, perhaps) will become dizzy, aloof, disorientated or even unconscious, as all their bodily faculties seek to remedy that bleed. Similarly, someone who has “sprung a leak” emotionally will likely have all of their resources consciously and unconsciously sapped, by tending to that leak. This will obviously show up symptomatically, on the outside, to the people around them.

So this is all well and good, as scene-setting goes… But what THE HELL should we DO, when we find that one or both parties in a couple is suffering under the all-consuming weight of distress?

1. Do not minimise the SERIOUSNESS of the situation.

This is effectively a ‘state of emergency’. Distress is a slippery slide, into burnout, depression and intimate disconnection.

Beware of the killer phrase of the new millenium, “It is what it is”. This insidiously noxious phrase is powerful and destructive. We are not victims and we are not slaves. There is always something that can be done.

Be brave enough to at least ADMIT, SCOPE and OWN the current situation.

Take a piece of paper, and a pen, and write for yourself what the length and breadth of your problem, distress-wise, is.

• Where did it originate?
• What are all the contributing factors?
• What is perpetuating the situation?
• Is there a possible fortuitous end in sight?

2. List all options at your disposal.

Write every avenue for resolution, available to you, no matter how ridiculous.

The rationale of this particular exercise is that, by mining for alternatives, you may realise that you actually chose your current reality. And chose it for good reasons, that remain pertinent and poignant. Even if gratification must be delayed. Such an epiphany may loosen the noose, and promote a sense of empowerment and personal agency, no matter how bitter the pill that needs to be temporarily swallowed.

But if this is the reality, then WRITE IT DOWN, plot the course, plan the course and COMMIT TO IT. Fantasise and visualise a moment in time when the ‘school fees are paid’, and the reward can be feasted upon.

3. COMMUNICATE! Invite your partner IN to your inner world; do NOT freeze them out.

Perish the thought that you are dating or married to a mind-reader.

We are fallible humans, and humans communicate most effectively with WORDS.

Let your partner know that you are struggling; that you have sprung a leak.

In South Africa, when electricity demand become over-stretched, relative to capacity, distribution becomes throttled. This has been coined ‘load shedding’. Each household is metered out either bare necessity, or NONE. But the value is that long term stores are preserved.

If you need ‘load shedding’ in your relationship, due to the extent of your distress, ASK FOR IT.

If you need LENIENCE around various relationship operating lines, ASK FOR IT.

There’s a principle in psychology called “Coping Forward”… It’s deceptive in it’s simplicity, but basically involves risk scanning the immediate horizon, and applying strategies that will mitigate disaster in the face of those risks.

So, in real terms:

“Babe, my diary is a nightmare in October. I’m away, there’s a conference, there’s an audit, etc. I will try not to be moody / irritable / absent / disengaged, but if I am, I’m inviting you to point it out. Let’s quarantine off Sundays, and plan hikes / picnics / massages, etc”.

4. ‘Hold the frame’, with non-negotiable relationship components.

I often suggest applying effective psychotherapy processes to romantic relationships (for example, I have this whole concept of listening to one’s partner “like a shrink”).

Psychotherapy is rendered practically and emotionally safe, for a client, because of it’s structure and form. Not much is left to chance, or ambiguous. There is a fee. There is a time limit. There is one venue. There is a governing body and a code of ethics. All of these things are referred to, in theory, as ‘the frame’.

Decide what ‘the frame’ of your intimate relationship is composed of. Decide what really matters (and what really actually doesn’t).

 But guard and safeguard that frame, as though your relationship depended on it.

Whether it’s date night… A monthly weekend away… Regular, connected mealtimes… Greeting each other properly… Conversation… Division of labour… Sex.

Nurse the frame. Load shed the moving parts.

5. Own your shit - For yourself first, but also for your partner.

There is a host of (seemingly) un-sexy, but essential remedies, which assist with distress. Like nearly every diet known to man, they are somewhat effective, if persistently and consistently applied.

• Counselling, and psychotherapy, to debrief, offload, trouble-shoot and strategise solutions. And to feel like a kind, and objective ‘other’, not part of your world, knows your story and has your back.
• Meditation, and for newbies, guided meditation, often in the form of downloadable apps. ‘HEADSPACE’ and ‘CALM’ are FANTASTIC apps  with recorded meditations that can be played, off your mobile, to your earphones, in toilet cubicles, meeting rooms, or on the grass in the garden. Pockets of such replenishment, regularly build into a day, can serve to ‘turn down the volume’ on the acuteness of mounting distress.
• Similar to meditation, and keeping with the ‘pockets of replenishment’ theme: mental health can be preserved with short breaks from the office. A quick coffee with a colleague, or a trot around the block.

Towards a conclusion.

A relationship is a system. Apply stress to one part, and the whole suffers. There are no easy answers to rid a person of toxic stress. There are pay-offs, in this life, and we are constantly bartering and trading with our energy and our efforts. If the reward is sufficient, the cost is satisfactory. When it isn’t, we become drained, resentful and disconnected.

Include each other in your daily lives. Don’t assume that your experience is known to your partner. Share it. And view it as a ‘couple issue’, in which two heads are better than one, rather than braving it alone.

Best of luck.