My Foreign Husband, And His Herculean Mother Tongue

My husband is foreign. Iranian, actually. A first generation immigrant who landed in Johannesburg some 15 years ago, barely able to greet the passport-stamping man in English. From a country so vastly, exponentially different to my own that it’s a wonder that we’ve gotten to where we are now.

I find this wildly exciting.

I always have, and I still do.

Since we married, we have travelled at least annually to Iran (we may well have done so pre-marriage, were it not a legal requirement that men and women travelling together either possess a marriage certificate, or be siblings). On these trips, it is me that (until recently), could hardly conduct even simple pleasantries with the customs official, that side.

My lack of Persian/Farsi fluency reached a critical mass on about our third trip, when I realised that any continued lack of conversational ability may begin to be construed, by my in-laws, as somewhat rude and disinterested. On the first visit, it’s cute, perhaps. On the second, it’s noticeable. And by the third, it could, quite fairly, be interpreted as a lack of care. Believe me, though: I’m not disinterested in learning Farsi. I’m actually quite intrigued. Enchanted. I know that a language possesses the culture of its people, and to know the words and how they work opens the door to understand how these people think and feel, and what they value, and how they value it.

So no, I’ve never been disinterested.

"Stuckness" - The Legitimate and Illegitimate Barrier to Progress

But I’ve been stuck. I’ve been over-busy. I’ve been over-committed on many fronts. And I’ve been a mother and wife and friend and daughter and all the other roles that fill the hours, the days, the weeks and the months between visits to the Middle East. Farsi is a hell of a challenging language to learn, for an English speaker. It bares no resemblance whatsoever to our nomenclature, and even the alphabet is profoundly different to ours. Moreover, given the long-standing global outcast status of the Islamic Republic, there is not a wealth of resources available for learning purposes. The language is certainly not taught by any local universities or academic institutions, here. Most of my Persian friends, family and acquaintances are great speakers of Farsi, but unstructured and frustrating teachers of it (with the greatest of love and respect to them all). And even what is available in terms of online courses and digital programs is often frustrating and un-user-friendly. Moreover, even more so than many languages, there is a distinct and cavernous difference between written and spoken Farsi. They may as well be different languages. This further compounds the challenge, as many web-based lessons actually misrepresent their position, teaching a version of the language that will never be of any value at all. As useless as a rotten and threadbare shoe!

But I’ve persevered! I’ve binge-eaten the online Farsi that is available. I’ve completed 6 or 8 “beginner courses”, as each teaches a similar level but with divergent content, affording quite a nice general ‘base’. I’ve clung to YouTube tutors and debated with local in-laws who are able to shed light. I’ve watched Persian sit-coms and listened to Persian nursery rhymes. I’ve done this in fits and bursts for about three years now.

The Breakthrough

And recently, something unimaginable happened. I realised I could understand. A lot. Not all, but I could absolutely have a sense, in most conversations around me, what was being discussed, and from what angles. And such knowledge is beautifully progressive and cumulative; the further one gets ‘down the drag’, the easier it becomes! The more it makes sense! The more you can predict how to tackle a concept or an idea, and how to frame it. Competence begets further competence, and learning becomes a joy and an excitement, rather than a horrible, tedious frustration.

I remember a time, several years ago, where I had just HAD it with this dastardly language! I’d listened to the same podcast three or four times, without being able to make head nor tail of what was being said. The prescribed exercise was to repeat a sentence after the speaker. But the sentence felt like it was six hundred unintelligible words long, and my brain literally fogged over by the third syllable.

And so I started to Google language-learning principles more generally. I listened to YouTube videos on how to learn ANY language… How to immerse oneself in the learning process… To stick Farsi post-it labels onto every noun my eye sees, so as to build up a vocabulary to serve and scaffold the grammar.

The White Water of New Endeavors

And then I was exposed to a TED talk presented by two guys who had mastered fluency in an unimaginable number of foreign languages. And they had understood the process in a particular way. They had likened the process to swimming out to sea, from the beach, to way, way beyond the breakers.

 And what they had experienced is that the ‘water’ is much rougher closest to the shore… That that is mostly where the currents are turbulent and destructive. That that choppy white water is a tremendous challenge, both to swimming and to new language learning… That that is where you are most likely to drown, or at least to fear drowning… But there’s a moment, in the swim, and the learning, where you get beyond the breakers… Where the swells settle… The choppiness ceases… The currents acquiesce… And you arrive at a gentle and peaceful, panic-free and settled expanse. And in this expanse, you can catch your breath, drink in the view, soak up the ambiance, and pat yourself on the back for being there at all!

And that knowing this makes the swim, and the learning process, more palatable and hopeful. This too shall pass… This rip tide… This current… This horrid, violent wave. Get beyond it, and it shall have passed.

So why am I telling you this? You may be neither an ocean swimmer nor a foreign language learner…

Knowledge of the Route and the Terrain Makes the Journey Manageable

But you may indeed be starting something new… And struggling with all your might not to “die by drowning”, nor to let your best self down and swim back to the shore, dry yourself off, and write the whole endeavour off as a bad joke.

I use this metaphor a lot with my individual patients, newly engaged in dating relationships. Especially when all indicators show that the liaison may well ‘have legs’, and seems to have great potential to bring joy and value to their lives. But new situations - dating and otherwise - often press the buttons of all our deep-seated insecurities and complexes… Am I good enough? Am I enough at all? Why have they not replied? When will they reply? What if they don’t reply..? And then, when the person does indeed reply, and the first few strokes are swum, we have early ‘sign-on difficulties’, initial misunderstandings, teeth-cutting and adjustment scuffles. And the waves come in hard and fast and relentless. But beyond that, just out from here, is calm contentment. And perhaps it’s worth fighting for…

Ditto a new business venture…

Ditto a side gig…

Ditto the pursuits of new qualification…

Ditto an attempt to rehabilitate oneself, whether from debt, drugs, booze, spending or some other self-destructive mechanism.

The Principle For You

The principles remain the same. The principle is one of GRIT; of STAYING POWER. Of knowing that you could die trying. But you’re more likely succeed if you swim like hell and trust the process than you are if you retreat to the comfort and defeated safety of the shore. And to know that it has to get easier… It just has to. Maybe it gets easier become you become fitter for the fight… More ‘swimming adroit’ and stronger, and thus less affected by the currents and tides. Or perhaps the water really does settle. But either way, whether in a new business, a new relationship, or a new hobby, the wisdom of the metaphor holds.

I hope that this has meaning for you. I hope it inspires you. I hope it gives you a sense of purpose and direction. Because, just as I realised one day that I knew exactly what was going on around me, albeit in a different language, so will you too realise one day that “you’ve got this!”. That it’s OK; you’ve progressed to some level of intermediacy, and deepened competency.

And you know what happens then..? When you’re suddenly winning..?

Two things:

1. You reach a critical threshold and a critical mass, where EVERYTHING  becomes easier. The wins come quicker. It’s almost as if every investment you've made returns in tandem.
2. You feel a sense of being the master of your universe! And this empowering sentiment is the best producer of self esteem known to man! Mastery - winning! - fosters self-efficacy, and self-efficacy fosters further and deeper success! And so we create a cycle of victory, and a spiritual growth spurt of unprecedented proportions.

And so, in closing, I ask you:

1. WHAT white water are you swimming through? (and congratulations! Good for you, keep swimming!)
2. ARE you aware that it will get easier, on the other side?
3. If you are NOT stretching yourself, and deliberately placing yourself in these currents of upward mobility in life, WHY ON EARTH NOT? Pick a challenge, commit to it, and get near-drowning, so you can get FULL-living!!