So I’m not a “purest” as a shrink. There are many schools of thought within my discipline, and I don’t subscribe to any particular one with any measure of religious fervor. Most philosophies have value in particular situations. Don’t tell the zealots, but many of them overlap dramatically… (we often find extremely similar concepts - cousins, if you will - just differently styled and presented depending on who’s styling and presenting).
And at the end of the day, there is simply no one-size-fits-all way to think about the world, our clients and their lived experiences.
What You Believe Is True...
Having said this, I am currently quite interested in “Dialectical Behaviour Therapy” (DBT). DBT tries to challenge our “black or white”, “good or bad” and “all or nothing” thinking, by suggesting that in most situations where there are two opposing truths or options, both are probably true. And true, concurrently, but in their own ways, for reasons that we may need to ‘drill down into’ to find, if not part of our immediate frame of reference in life. We often do ourselves a disservice by needing to foreclose, one way or the other. But we serve ourselves greatly by simply allowing both “poles” to exist, to hold water, to be valid. To “hold inside ourselves” two, seemingly contradictory realities, at the same time. This is emotional health!
It’s actually a very comforting way of thinking, that we really don’t have to reach final and categorical conclusions in life, or in our circumstances. Relationships can be good AND bad… People can be hurtful AND helpful… Jobs can be fabulous AND hideous. We can be furious AND adoring. That middle road opens up tremendous freedom to hold multiple realities, without feeling conflicted, without cognitive dissonance, and without any need to push any circumstance to a “final assessment”. Life is complex, and so are all of its moving parts!
Because, to be frank, such rigid thinking often exists at the root of most of what depresses us or makes us anxious. And also what causes the most upheaval in friendships and relationships. We feel it needs to be one way or the other… A person has to be right or wrong. A relationship has to be “good” or “bad”. We gravitate towards concrete and absolute assessments of situations. Because its safe there. When it’s absolute, we can hang our hat on it. But when it’s uncertain, it’s a little uncomfortable. We don’t really have a LANGUAGE for GREY. We don’t know what to do with it.
Do you relate?
Only Grey Makes Sense... Live In Your Grey!
So what must we then do, in our journeys towards health, wellness and satisfying living? We need to consider that MULTIPLES REALITES CAN, DO AND MUST co-exist. When trying to navigate towards an understanding of a person, a situation, a self-assessment, or a choice, we need to entertain the notion that BOTH, seemingly binary options, are probably valid and true. It’s very often not “one” or the “other”; so, so often, we have to entertain and accept the notion that the answer is “both”.
BOTH realities are true. Both assessments hold merit!
And then to learn to TOLERATE and HOLD the anxiety that that uncertainty can create. But also to tap into the liberty it affords.
Let Grey Be Your Favourite Colour! Let Grey Guide You Through Your Relationship Hurt.
This not only helps in our own individual journeys, but also in our relationships! Certain couples I’ve worked with, over the years, have found it frustrating that I refuse to ‘pick a side’ (unless, of course, in extreme cases of patent dishonesty, abuse and violence). They see a therapist as a judge and referee, and try to win me over with their articulate and considered case formulations… Or they’re actually just really confused and lost, and are looking for someone to show them ‘the way’. What they don’t REALISE though, is that THIS WON’T HELP THEM… If I deem them “right” and their partner “wrong”, what have they WON, other than the debate..? How does this help them proceed in a meaningful, enriching and fulfilling relationship with this other human? Once their victory glory is over, how are they closer and more connected in their homes? They’re NOT! Court cases are the realm of law and dissolution of relationships, where winning is more important than unity. Grey is losing the battle but winning the person. Grey is not being sure of the relative righteousness of one action over another, but choosing the human behind the debate, anyway.
UNITY happens when two people in a conflict are able to move closer and closer towards each other, on that continuum of grey. UNITY happens when these people honour their own views, but respect the sanctity of their partner enough to know that their opinion is an expression of their core humanity, of their SELF, and is therefore as sacred as anything else in their union. Even if they disagree or hold a contrary view. They still need to hold their partner’s humanity, dignity and sanctity.
FACTS and INTERPRETATION; Trying to Separate Out The Grey…
In my therapeutic work, when someone in my office is speaking through a situation, after laying out whatever the facts of the situation, they move predictably into their assessment of the situation or the person. Once they’ve told me the story, and set the scene, they’ll usually take on a more forensic position, and suggest two or three possible explanations for why things/people/situations are as they are. This is human nature, and not an unhealthy thing; we want to KNOW. We NEED to know. But we also have to grasp that we often actually CANNOT know, in he full intensity of what KNOWING really means… We only have our repository of knowledge… Not the repositories of all those involved, and the context itself. I’ll often gently suggest to such clients, grappling with knowing, that it’s “probably a bit of both (or all)”.
Despite being a simple intervention, this suggestion can be profoundly useful for very black/white thinkers, tormented by the need for closure. Just holding in their minds the idea that a final definitive verdict is overly simplistic, and complexity is necessary, is like balm to the soul, and sometimes sets them free from striving for finality and closure. It affords GRACE. Grace to themselves, to be a little good and a little bad… And grace to people who have hurt them, to be the same. But not either/or.
Give It a Bash...
Experiment with grey! The next time you’re conflicted, whether in relation to a friendship, a partner, or just with an appraisal you are coming to within your own mind, START with the assumption that both sides of the coin are valid, and deserving of airtime and dignity. Grapple with, and explain to yourself, the opposing argument, and debate it as though it were your most fervently held belief. And then allow your truth, and that reality to start to merge, where it’s not either or, but AND. Even, and especially, if the ‘AND’ feels counter intuitive. This will do wonders for your emotional and intellectual robustness, and will enlarge your capacity for reasoning, acceptance and tolerance.
