What Do You Need From Your Partner, That You’re Not Getting?

One of the exercises I often prescribe to couples working on their relationship in therapy is the following:

Make a list of the things that your partner needs to work on/change, in order for the relationship to be sustainable.

 As with most of what psychologists do, the task is deceptively simple. Even misleadingly so.  And, to be frank, even the most toxic or disconnected couples would probably be able to complete this exercise on their partner’s behalf, with success. Most people know all too well what their partner’s core grievances are. And so there are seldom massive revelations at this point (although there very well may be).

But When DID You Get This Need Met, By Your Partner? Can They Meet It?

But I ask this question with a particular agenda (bar, of course, just for the obvious establishment of a road map that we need to embark on in the treatment). And this agenda will become clearer with my next question.  When speaking about a specific unmet need or hurt, and the corresponding corrective action required, I may say something to the complainant like:

Can you give me an example of a time where he/she DID get that right..? When he/she WAS like that?

 If they can call to mind all sorts of instances of when their partner formerly met these needs, and acted in the manner they yearn for, I’m well pleased. This tells me that their initial connection was sufficient to bring about a measure of relationship fulfillment, mutual satisfaction and general comfort in the union. And that the behavior change request now being made is fair and reasonable, because it exists somewhere in the person’s skill and behavior repertoire. Therapy would then take the course of exploring where the ruptures and disconnections started to happen… Where resentment and bitterness crept in… And what ushered in a less harmonious sense and sentiment between them. All with a view to ultimately metabolizing those hurts and frustrations to return to their initial (somewhat) blissful state. Because that blissful state existed, and therefore exists, somewhere in the passage and continuum of time. We simply need to find it, and kick-start it again.

But…

But quite often, when I ask the second question, I’m met with a blank stare, and confirmation that “this has never happened”, or “he/she has never been this way”. They may even roll their eyes and say “well, Debbie, that’s why we’re here”; or “I want him/her to work on this, and become more (x), (y), (z) [insert appropriate descriptor]”.

Great Expectations vs. FAIR Expectations…

And this response makes me instantly perplexed, and a little sad… Because I’m aware that, very often (but not always), it’s simply unfair to expect a partner to be something they’ve never been, or to act in a manner that is fundamentally foreign to him/her.

I am respectful of the personalities of the people I work with. For a range or reasons, but mostly just that I am not naive; I know that we all more-or-less just who we are… That for all the pop-and-fizz of coaching and self-help psychology, each of us was gifted with a pretty salient, entrenched set of characteristics that don’t really change… And we have to work within the premises of these characteristics, both within ourselves and our partners. THIS is where the power is: in learning how to get THE BEST out of your partner, but by enhancing their strengths, rather that wishing that they were fundamentally other than how they actually are. My sense is that there is, within each of our traits, a measure of “wiggle room”, where we can increase or decrease the intensity of that trait. But, for the most part, an introvert will always favour intimacy and one-on-oneness, and be burnt out by too much fervent partying. A tactile person will always crave kisses and cuddles, and be physically demonstrative.. Some people really battle to verbally express their sentiments, and many are just only nominally attuned to the emotional needs of people in their worlds.

These things just are. They are not good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. They just are. Shifts are possible, and effort to grow and attain deeper insight and skill is always admirable. But global, grand scale metamorphoses are rare, and often unsustainable if effected.

It’s Unfair To Expect, But It’s NOT Unfair To ASK!

It’s simply unfair to expect someone to be something they’ve never been, or to act in a way they’ve never acted.  Please note: it’s not unfair to ask… There is a difference between asking, and expecting… Verbalising a need is never a bad thing… Frank communication is always healthy. And a request, once considered, can be met with a “No, I’m sorry, it’s just not me”, or a “It’s not me, but it’s not an outrageous concept, and I can try… It may be like writing with my non-dominant hand, but I can try”. ASKING is OK… ASKING is actually respectful, because it provides the other person knowledge of what is needed, and affords that person the OPTION to change, if they can, and if the carrot is juicy enough. But EXPECTING, and hinging a relationship on the expectation of something that never has been is probably ambitious and unfair.

By way of analogy, consider body type and physique… Most plumpish people will remain plumpish, over time… They’ll have fuller years or slimmer years, but will mostly revert to ‘pleasantly plump’. Most athletic people will remain athletic.. And most lithe people will remain lithe… Transition is possible, but it’s definitely the exception, especially longitudinally. And those who DO manage to achieve such dramatic shifts are usually supremely highly-motivated, and employ every resource (even superhuman and unnatural ones) to alter what is basically their nature.

And so, I respect a person for what and who they are. And for what and who they’re not. And I also note and honor their own appetite for massive grand-scale alteration to their selves.

SO What The Hell THEN, Debbie???

Please do not get me wrong… This is actually not a Negative-Nancy post… But it’s a realistic one… And the MAGIC lies in RADICAL ACCEPTANCE of your partner, warts and all… An EMBRACING of the qualities that annoy you and frustrate you, rather than futile effort being spent on wishing it were different. At this point in the therapy, we may be talking more about how to cope with unmet needs… How to get them met in other ways… How to meet each other half way, where possible. How to understand the impact on each other, of not being all each other needs, at all times… We’ll chat about how to surrender to what is, if there’s enough good in the relationship to justify the loss of the fantasy fulfilment.

An Example From My Own Relationship

Before my Very Lovely Husband was a Very Lovely Husband, he was a Very Annoying Boyfriend. Despite our deep and special connection (against many odds), we thought very differently about time, punctuality, and submission to basic social mores around these things. My mantra, pre meeting him, was “I’d rather be two hours early, than five minutes late”. His, pre meeting me, was probably that time was a basic guide of where in a day one found oneself, and there’s a natural flow to living that plays out as it will, to the tune of its own drummer (certainly not to the tick of a clock). As a result, he was late. A lot. And I was angry, a lot. One night several months in, after being dollied up and waiting  for the umpteenth time, I ran out of energy and appetite. I locked the door, both literally and figuratively.

Because his tardiness meant something to me, (that it really didn’t mean to him). I took the EVIDENCE of his lateness, and then INTERPRETED it according to the matrix  that I had in my own mind. Lateness meant disrespect, disinterest, hedging bets. Lateness meant he, and we, were ‘going nowhere slowly’.

And so we parted ways for a couple of years, while we both grew up. Again, both literally and figuratively. (And he was DEVASTATED. I heard from his cousin... I heard from his niece... I heard from HIM. Regularly and consistently, in our time apart, I heard how he was NOT disrespectful of me, nor disinterested in me, nor hedging his bets. My "going nowhere slowly" was his "married with children". But TIME and PUNCTUALITY just didn't mean anything to him. Just COULDN'T mean anything to him.

When I agreed, years later, to a “re-match”, I know that he circled my block for ten minutes so that he would arrive at exactly the agreed upon time… This warmed my heart, and amused me. It touched me that he knew my need, and made an effort. But as the weeks became months, he reverted to type… NOT out of disrespect and disinterest. Not at all! But simply from how he was wired… How he views the world… How he was raised. And as I’ve learnt to DEAL WITH IT, and to GET OVER IT,  I’ve seen the beauty and creativity that guides his life, by virtue of not being tied up in knots about some of the things that govern me. I’ve seen how FREE he is. I’ve seen how his honoring of other humans happens on a far deeper and more profound level that arriving for a coffee date on the stroke of…

I don’t care now… Ten years later, I couldn’t care less. I’ve radically accepted it, and I’ve built in structures that work for us both, and cater to both of our personalities. I book midday flights, even if they’re more expensive. It’s kinder to him, and therefore kinder to us. I pack for all of us; it’s kinder to me (less stressful). I sometimes meet him wherever we are going. He’s free to arrive whenever he chooses, and I can get on with my day/evening, free of frustration. Similarly, if he’s stuck in to the party later, and loving life, I can leave and get to bed. Because my life functions according to a clock. His doesn’t. And it’s been SO OK, once we both surrendered to what is, and stopped inferring things about the other, because of it. And found creative ways to manage what is.

A wonderful thing also happened, as our relationship grew: he became an inch more time-conscious, and I became an inch less so. This was healthy for both of us.

Everyone Has Their Limits Though, And You Must Know Yours!

I also find myself often asking couple clients, as well as individual patients: “Imagine for a second that this is NOT going to change… You partner is going to remain EXACTLY as they are… What will that mean? Can you cope? Would you leave? Is there enough good to stay?”.

 Now I obviously cannot even pretend to know the answer to this question, on their behalves. I try not to be arrogant like that, in my work. But it needs to be asked, and it needs to be answered. If the request is actually a non-negotiable, the couple needs to be very candid about what is and isn’t possible.  And please also note that in this article I’m talking about love languages, personality attributes and behavioral sensitivities and persuasions. I’m not talking about abuse, addiction and toxic, destructive volatility. Those things clearly need to be handled differently.

The Love Dare

I quite appreciate a very practical little handbook called “The Love Dare”, written by Alex and Stephen Kendrick. This book is basically ‘a relationship dare per day’, for 40 days… It’s grounded in Christian theology (which can be embraced or quarantined, depending on personal taste;  the “meat” of the book overrides the obvious religious persuasion). Each ‘dare’ challenges the reader to apply practical, vulnerable and stretching tasks, on a daily basis, all with a view to navigating one’s way out of relationship carnage.  Some dares are really simple (but difficult), like “resolve today to say nothing negative to your partner”, or ‘today, just do something to express kindness”.

But the specific dares I want to speak of now are these:

On a particular day, quite far into the book, the authors ask the reader to “make a list of all the things your find most reprehensible about your partner” (my paraphrase; it’s not at all verbatim). They then ask that this list be stored for safe-keeping.

Several days later, this list re-emerges, and the authors ask that the list be read and burnt, because “you chose this person, warts and all. Accept the warts, as you do their wonderful qualities” (again my paraphrase).  This can be experienced as quite an anticlimax. It can even create a sense of indignation. Surely more should be done?! Surely the list begs an intervention? But no… Rather, in this somewhat unorthodox approach, the reader is hastened to radically accept what is… Embrace it, think about it, find a place to tolerate it. Find a way to accept it.

Radically Accepting This Article 😉  - Tying It All Up

I believe that radical acceptance has the potential to engender massive liberation and personal empowerment in life. It teaches us to ‘accept life on life’s terms’. To be A Real Adult, and be wholly responsible for our choices, realities and reactions. And to quit the idealistic naivete of youth, and grapple with quite tricky grey areas as we navigate a world in which Prince and Princess do not ride off into the sunset, but roll up their sleeves, get their hands dirty, and own their stories, their truths and their fears and insecurities with eyes wide open and perspectives sound and intact. And with reasonable expectations of their partner. Not to save, rescue and defend them from and against The Big Bad World. But rather to hold their hand, and offer guidance and support as each does this for themselves.

That’s where the magic is… In Real Adulting.

In Radical Acceptance.

In knowing what is fair. And knowing when you may ask for something, but you’re not really able to EXPECT it.