You know when you’re physically present in the room, but you’re really not “there” at all..?

• When there’s a buzz all around you, but you feel a million miles away..?
• You battle to pour yourself into the moment? You probably don’t feel much..?
• You struggle to connect with your spouse, kids and friends?
• It feels as though there are invisible “walls” between you and the people around you?
• You may even find it difficult to “care”? And you certainly won’t feel much joy..?
• You may know “a better way of being”, but literally couldn’t be asked..?

As they say in the classics: “The lights are on, but nobody’s home”.

In short, the shrinks would probably describe you as “emotionally unavailable”. Your emotional honesty, gentle intuition and desire to engage are simply not there.  Emotional unavailability can be transient or more enduring way of being. By way of analogy, I tend to think of emotional unavailability along the lines of internal bleeding… Medically-speaking, someone who is hemorrhaging internally (due to an ulcer or accident, perhaps) will become dizzy, aloof, nauseous disorientated or even unconscious, as all their bodily faculties seek to remedy that bleed. Similarly, someone who has “sprung a leak” emotionally will likely have all of their resources consciously and unconsciously sapped, by tending to that leak. This will obviously show up symptomatically, on the outside, to the people around them.

I’ve been thinking lately about what the primary causes of such emotional unavailability may be. If we have some ideas of cause, we can “troubleshoot” our own realities, and determine where we may be “hemorrhaging internally”. And if we have a sense of what is wrong, we can probably start working towards a repair and reconnection.

My next 5 blog posts will each deal with one prominent cause of transient emotional unavailability, and offer a few suggestions to tackle each.

A reminder of the ethos of THE SHRINK ON YOUR COUCH:

• In every instance, we are all doing the very best that we can!
• There is, therefore, GRACE AND ACCEPTANCE, for EVERYONE, exactly where they are.
• But when our BEST has let us down, it’s time to change gears and ramp up.
• In order to DO BETTER, we need to KNOW BETTER, and apply that new knowledge.

So I invite you to journey with me over the next couple of weeks, while we extend our knowledge around the causes of emotional “internal bleeds”, the social disconnection they cause, and how to potentially plug those leaks and repair the damage done.

EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY CAUSED BY DEBT AND FINANCIAL STRESS

There is no doubt that debt, and generally making ends meet, are significant energy drains. Debt has been described as “a noose around one’s neck”. We’ve all heard how “modern-day slaves are not in chains; they are in debt”. Financial stress, I believe, is probably the Number One Cause of frustration, irritability, resentment and emotional shut down in families. And the worst part is that there is no easy answer… No “get out of jail free” card. No quick fix. In my experience, the black hole of debt is something that envelops a person, seemingly out of nowhere. That the difference between “treading water” and “drowning” can literally be one ill-conceived transaction. But once debt, or living too large, has you in its clutches, it grows and morphs and swallows you whole.

In my practice, people in huge debt struggle to come to terms with the mistakes they’ve made along the way. This leads to self-esteem issues, loss of confidence, and a general sense of joyless misery. Without adequate intervention, such individuals may struggle to cling on to a “point” or “purpose” to living. They often develop existential depressions, where the technicolor of life is shrouded by a massive grey thundercloud. And much like a cancer diagnosis interrupts a life, and pauses progress in deference to treatment, so an acknowledgement of being financially overcome causes a whole life to become ordered around this reality.

Some people surrender… give up… yield to the abyss, as it were. They spend further, make even worse decisions, slave to the belief that there is no relief, anyway. They deny and avoid, and the internal bleed rages on.

But a principle of life I hold so dear is that “we reduce anxiety by DOING SOMETHING”. Whist seldom a miracle cure, ACTIVITY usually alleviates ANXIETY. Activity gives us a sense of power and control, and plants a seed that, in time, we may overcome.

But more than just a flurry of activity, we would be aided by APPROPRIATE activity, and WISE activity. What we have known, to date, has clearly not been enough, and so it’s always useful to RESEARCH… to READ… and to CONSULT…  Research and consultation require HUMILITY and OPEN-MINDEDNESS though, and both of these are tricky in a crisis.  We have to suspend our views, and entertain the idea that there are gaps in our knowledge, made manifest by the dismal reality at hand.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE DUE TO FINANCIAL STRESS

1. DENIAL of the issue COMPOUNDS IT. You have to look it in the face.
2. Think of the wisest, most financially-savvy person in your network, and reach out for advice. If they are willing to assist, hold nothing back. Bare it all – spreadsheets, bank statements, interest rates, monthly expenses. Things you haven’t even admitted to YOURSELF. Understanding the problem goes a long way towards solving it. And these things always grow in the dark…
3. There is a WEALTH of incredible information on the internet, published by the absolute GURUs in this arena. SO MUCH is freely available. Some comes at a cost. ALL is worth it. Many people are not aware of the UNIVERSE of knowledge available on blogs, YouTube channels, and Facebook groups and pages.
4. For all matters money, my go-to Gurus would be Ann Wilson, “The Wealth Chef”, and Nikki Ramskill, “The Female Money Doctor”. Ann has, herself, recovered from enormous indebtedness, and teaches simple strategies and formulas to not only become debt-free, but to live a wealthy and joyful life. And she’s practical. And realistic. From the Ground Zero of admitting you have a problem, step-by step through recovery and recouping. Nikki too; it’s left to you to have a browse and see whose style and message appeals to you more.

Points 1 through 4 above deal with the HAEMORRAGE; the CAUSE of your emotional unavailability.  We also have to target and treat the SYMPTOMS and the EFFECTS they have had on you and your loved ones:

5. Have a family meeting – whether your family consists of two people or six. Acknowledge the effect that financial stress has been having on you. Admit and confess to the symptoms – your being aloof, shut down and moody. People are often relieved to learn that they are not actually the cause of your irritability, and that there is an external, logical cause. (Obviously you tailor the extent of you honesty to the age levels of the attendees).
6. Welcome feedback from each family member, and allow them to express how they may have been affected by the emotional distance/absence. Apologize when it is appropriate to do so.
7. Devise plans and strategies through which each family member can contribute to the resolution of the problem at hand. Allow each person, no matter their age, to help in some way – to feel the same sense of power, agency and ability discussed above.
8. Work systematically with mentors, online gurus and newly-enlisted family to systematically turn the titanic of financial worry around.

I hope this has been a useful read, both in terms of the concept of emotional unavailability, as well as providing a few cursory tips to begin the management of a dire financial situation.