In my work with couples, I have a relatively simple formula for dealing with unmet needs.
When a person is unpacking their pain-points, and explaining the ways in which they want to be shown love, I ask them one question:
“If you look back, can you remember a time when this need was met, by this person?”.
If the answer is a resounding “Yes!”, then we have something to work with. It confirms that this expression of love is possible for the partner in question. And it implies that there has been an erosion, over time, that would no doubt be damaging to both partners. (It’s as harmful for a person to throttle their flow of love, as it is for the recipient not to receive it).
And so the ensuing conversation will explore where the disconnect happened, and why. And my hope is always that in the process of such a conversation, the rupture is somehow repaired. It’s remarkable how therapeutic it is for a couple to hearken back to better times. Their memories evoke the associated feelings, which often swell up and dissolve current disconnection. I view this as miraculous, and I see it quite regularly.
It's different, though, if the person cannot recall ever having been loved by this person, in their desired way. It’s then a fair assumption that the request may be ambitious, at best, and unfair, at worst. The resultant conversation would go in one of two ways:
- There would be a discussion about whether the partner is willing to try to love in the required way. My stance is not that people cannot change, grow and stretch themselves, in service of their partner’s needs. But we do need to be sensible about what is possible. There is growing appreciation for how ‘love languages’ are framed in early childhood by observing parents. We also know that certain emotional limitations and ineptitudes can be a response to some form of trauma. We cannot ask of people more than they are willing and able to give. And we cannot expect that a left-handed person learn to write with their right hand, for us to feel loved.
- The person feeling neglected would need to explore whether their need is a non-negotiable, if it’s never going to come naturally to their partner. Psychologists often advise their clients that their options in most instances are to accept what is, change what is possible, or leave. And this would need to be fleshed out if the simple truth is that their expressed need will always be a frustration point. We could also discuss, together, other ways in which he same need might be met. Again, the conversation itself can be therapeutic, and cover a multitude of hurts just by connecting in other ways, and through feeling truly heard and respected.
The lion’s share of relationship success lies in honestly, frankness and a commitment to what is possible.
