‘Dieting’ is a great metaphor for the path that healing takes, when confronting toxic conflict in relationship therapy. We often end a first session full of hope, enthusiasm and motivation for the path ahead. There is often a sense of wonder that a ‘fix’ can be quite simple, and great positivity for future sessions.
But, much like a diet, where there will surely be an overeat, an off-plan eat or a ‘fuck it’ eat, there will also be the day when you snap, snarl and bite at each other, despite the best of good intentions. And here’s the clincher: the next overeat or the next fight doesn’t have to mean anything, in the context of the bigger work being done. It would be naïve and foolish to think that these things won’t happen. What matters is how you think about the mishap, what you make it mean about your success or failure, and what you do next.
There will be days where everything goes wrong. Do you let this mean that your diet is over, and your commitment to a healthy lifestyle has now ended? Or does it mean that you need to recalibrate quickly and be gracious with yourself, and pick up right where you left off? This is the sum total of weight loss success, in the long run. Recovery TIME, and recovery METHOD. It’s all mindset, and decision.
And it’s no different with turning the tide in a romantic partnership or friendship.
At the outset, I ask my couples to understand that no matter how motivated and enthused they feel, and how loved up they are after one or two sessions, habits remain, and resentments aren’t yet fully processed. They both still exist. And if there comes a day when habit kick in, or they cannot regulate their emotions sufficiently, and they have a big fight, that, much like a chocolate binge, they recalibrate immediately, with humility and grace.
A tip I give them as an action point is what I call ‘Immediate apology and immediate grace’.
It’s a commitment that is made upfront in my practice. While they have their training wheels of therapy on, there’s an understanding that they will still upset and frustrate each other. But with the new addition of owning it immediately, if the offender, and forgiving it gently, in hope, if the recipient.
When one partner realises s/he has been a bit shitty or unkind, that the person leans right in and owns it. Don't let it fester, don't let it simmer, don't hope it goes away. Just immediately say, “You know what Babe? I'm sorry, that wasn't nice and this is exactly what we're trying not to do. So I'm sorry”.
This takes humility. It's uncomfortable and it's often very different to what the couple knows.
By extension though, the aggrieved party needs to commit to responding with genuine warmth, along the lines of, “I get it, we're just human and thank you for that, and you are forgiven”.
The point here, obviously, is not to sweep substantive issues under the rug. The point is to give the therapy the best shot at success, through accountability and grace. So that the process isn’t derailed before it’s meaningfully begun.
