Here’s the thing: in a relationship, you either have each other’s’ best interests at heart, or you don’t.

I’m not really one for the binary, but I believe this quite fervently.

You’ve either settled something within yourselves that you are fundamentally FOR each other, or you haven’t. If you haven’t, there will be a sense of un-ease, anxiety and ‘unsettledness’ between you.

And you’ll likely always doubt your partner’s motives and intentions.

If you know that you are FOR each other, and have each other’s’ backs, then arguments and conflicts can be viewed through a particular lens.  They can be seen as relationship-enhancing. Mistakes, hurts and insults can be seen a somewhat arbitrary human shortcoming, and not thematic. If the question remains unanswered, then ever slur and growl can feel like the end.

I often ask individuals and couples where they stand on this question. In short, “Do you believe this person really loves you? Do you believe that they honor you and respect you? And even if you're spinning your wheels around some point of conflict, do you believe that they want to work through it with you?”

Because if the answer to these questions is ‘no’, then we probably should be having a different conversation.

It really helps to know that you're working towards the same goal, and you want the same peaceful and connected outcome. This mindset also expedites the process of getting through a conflict, as you know the end from the beginning.  

In the final analysis, it really does matter whether you're fighting with your partner for the relationship, or whether you're just fighting your partner.

Food for thought!