Life is hard. It’s a fact. Everyone knows.
In my private practice, I often refer to the late psychiatrist, M. Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Travelled”, which is as close as we’ll get to a “secular bible”; a compendium of the most profound, yet simple life lessons, born of Peck’s clinical practice and experience (he’s was frank about his own issues with substance abuse, philandering, etc).
Peck starts his seminal text by telling the reader that “life is hard”. That it really, really is. But that once we’ve grasped and accepted this fact, it almost ceases to be enormously difficult. Because we’ve managed our own expectations around how this business of life should work!
And we then start to grasp that difficulties provide opportunities for growth, and growth is meaning-full and intoxicating. But it takes skill!
If a task is difficult, I have 2 options:
- I can withdraw and give up.
- I can practice being bad at it, until I find strategies to improve.
So life is troublesome. And acceptance of this makes it more manageable.
It has been said elsewhere that, in order to be a happy, a person requires 3 things:
Something to DO
Humans are creative in essence, and we acquire joy and satisfaction from producing. Especially when our creations and productions somehow express something of ourselves. So I’m not convinced that it’s just activity that we need - but more-rather, we need something to do that allows us to present ourselves to the world. Some are fortunate enough to find this in their careers, in their “9-to-5”s.
Some aren’t, and this is fine. (Life is hard, remember..? Not everyone will live their ultimate professional dream, whilst still trying to make ends meet).
But then these people need to be very clear on their truths: that work pays the bills, but there are extra murals that make them feel alive and connected to their life force.
If you are feeling a little down… a little lost… a little stuck, as yourself:
What was I DOING when I felt most alive?
What work / task / act makes me feel like the best version of myself?
Once you have answered these questions, build these activities into your weekly life, immediately.
Someone To Love
Humans need to feel connected. We are social beings. But, again, sometimes the stresses and hardships of life cause us to disconnect from each other… Many people I work with in my psychology practice believe their social and intimate lives to be a far cry from what they used to be, or from how they thought they would be by a certain age and stage.
Many people reach their 40’s and 50’s without the “standard issue” marriage, 2.5 kids and a dog. And feel far worse off for this… To these people, my rote answer is: “Everyone in a romantic partnership is one breakup away from being single… And everyone who’s single is one meaningful connection away from being in a fulfilling relationship”. It’s as simple as that. 40-something singles tend to often display a hopelessness around their romantic singledom, rather than pouring themselves into tasks, activities and friendships that are interesting, and being optimistic that an intimate connection is possible, so long as they remain vitally connected to their own authenticity, joy and life force.
It’s also somewhat obvious that human love spans so much more than simply the sexual and intimate. There is great peace and contentment to be found in love for friends, family, animals, people in need, etc.
If you are feeling like your life is in a bit of a rut, and you’re aware of being a bit isolated, disconnected or lonely, ask yourself:
Who is there, in your current orbit, who you may wish to invite for a coffee, prepare a meal for, or perhaps even just pop a message?
If you are single, and desiring of a relationship, use the available forums of Tinder and dating websites. Do so with a slight sense of humour, and in the frank knowledge that it will likely evoke all sorts of insecure feelings within you… but set your intentions, and get yourself out there! I promise you, as someone who’s basically heard it all: EVERYONE is doing it!
Something To Hope For
One of the key indicators that mental health professionals use when assessing for a suicide risk, is HOPELESSNESS. Not depression. Not anxiety. Not trauma. But HOPELESSNESS.
Because HOPE implies a belief in the future.
And we are progressive and expansive beings.
We NEED our futures. And we need to dream of them, and plan for them. We need to be excited by the core belief that there is better, and more, to come.
Hopelessness creeps in for many valid reasons. I am not naive. I understand that LIFE IS HARD. There are financial worries that paralyse. There is illness that disables and curtails. There are personalities that we deal with who simply cannot love and nurture us as we need. There are so many disappointments, on this side of the grave.
But there is BEAUTY. I take the view that a happy life is probably just a string of happy, special moments. And happy, special moments are those instances where we almost catch our own eye across a room and think, ‘this is nice’, or ‘I’m enjoying this’, or ‘this is making me feel pretty damn ok’.
So what are YOU hoping for..? It doesn’t have to have any financial price-tag attached. It doesn’t have to be about a purchase or a holiday… It just has to be the yearning and excitement for a time in the near future where your heart will beam with joy…
When last did you feel so connected to yourself, in a moment, and had the “inner smile” I’m talking about now..?
What made it happen?
A few questions I often ask my own patients are:
What would need to happen (no matter how unrealistic) that would instantly turn this challenge around, and make things start to feel better?
How could you start working towards effecting this?
I wish for you, today, the radical acceptance of life as complex and fraught. And the igniting of hope, wonder and reaching within you.
