Carl Jung, contemporary to Freud, and one of the fathers of modern Psychology, at one point wrote that,

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate”.

This is one of the most profound quotes I have ever read. It speaks, so skilfully, to the idea that we, as human beings, project our inner conflicts, hurts and anxieties onto our relationships, friendships, financial situations and jobs, and, without adequate introspection, would accept adverse situations in a fatalistic fashion, using phrases like, “it is what it is”… Jung’s implicit call to action is probably to have a look at the outcomes of our lives, and extrapolate them backwards, mining for what psychological factors may be causing such outcomes to manifest in our lives. So essentially, to challenge the status quo, rather than just to accept it; but to challenge it in a very particular, robust way. Resolution would require a growing awareness of “what lies beneath”, to the end that we consciously and deliberately work with our own natures and essences, rather than just “projecting our stuff” onto things and people around us.

Socrates spoke, of how “the unexamined life is not worth living”, and so, in a similar tradition, we choose not to live like automatons, but rather to pause and reflect on what our stories mean… What the themes are… What they tell us about ourselves… What recurs in your stories? Which dynamics repeat and repeat, ad infinitum, begging for attention and resolution. Perhaps to the end that we don’t just “make a mess and then leave”, but actually work some stuff out, spiritually and soulfully, make a contribution, and then leave.

I often tell my clients and patients about how play therapy, with children works. The child is invited into a warm and welcoming, brightly coloured playroom, ideally filled to overflowing with interesting and varied toys and games. Once rapport and trust has been established between the therapist and the child, the playroom will, likely, become a microcosm of that child’s lived experience, as well as his or her inner reality. Over time, there will likely be repetitive styles of play, repetitive types of conflicts, and management of such conflict… There will be themes of harmony or disharmony, close friendships or lonely isolation etc. The child’s reality will be represented in their play.

And adulthood is no different, except that we no longer play in brightly coloured studios; we play in the Real World. But again, repetitions will occur, ad inifinitum, so long as they are present in our inner realities. Much as the troubled little bully will have dolls staging gang wars, the adult bully will be aggressive and domineering, in an effort to show control and perhaps mask a compromised self-esteem. Little Miss Bossy will be Big Mrs Bossy. Children that don’t play, maybe to impress their overstimulated parents may become adults that only work. The crux: we project our inner fears, anxieties and complexes onto our outer worlds, and, if we don’t notice their recurrence, we just accept the contents of our daily lives and stagnate developmentally.

Psychotherapy, in one sense, is a process of story-telling, and then analysing those stories for trends, themes and meanings, and then using these trends, themes and meanings to understand needs, fears, and motivations. If you are intimately acquainted with your needs, fears and motivations, you are better positioned to then act in a self-loving and self-honouring manner, because – essentially – you are aware of what will work for you, and what won’t.  You may avoid things you are drawn to, knowing that they’re bad for you, and knowing how that story ends, having witnessed it in your life before. You have the knowledge and empowerment to experiment with different realities – even ones that feel uncomfortable – but in an effort to “make your unconscious conscious”, and live purposefully and meaningfully, not just accepting the mess as “fate”, “crap economy”, “no good men/women left”, etcetera, and to grow beyond yourself. A single different approach can be a very liberating thing!

May I challenge you, if this post has resonated with you, to take out your journal, and write, for a while, about the trends and patterns that you may notice in the various facets of your life.

I would suggest that you ask yourself questions like:

• Do I always end up feeling a particular way in romantic relationships and friendships?
• Is there a particular role that I always default to, in romantic relationships and friendships?
• Where do I feel stuck in my life?
• Where am I not winning? Where am I particularly frustrated?
• What do I fear?
• What do I cherish?

In some respects, the process of growing awareness, in and of itself, is the answer, as the paying of attention is what shifts thinking and brings about change. If you even allow yourself to imagine that you could make a choice other than your default “go-to”, it’s far more likely that, when confronted with the need to change, you may at least allow yourself the opportunity to experiment with a different avenue.