My husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary yesterday. We’d had friends over for lunch the day prior; a table mostly of shrinks and academics catching up for the first time in decades. The reason I mention this is that, in sharing the contents of our lives, we kept shrugging and saying, “You know, dialectics” … “Opposing forces” … The good in the bad, and the bad in the good.
No binaries.
I could write a lavish Facebook post, “Ode to My Husband” or “In Awe of my Marriage”, and it would, for sure, be true. Because I like him, and I so wholly value being married to him. But I could, just as well, write up where we’ve gone wrong in the past decade. Which may be a more enthralling read, and I may do so, at some point, with his permission.
But I thought I’d write up 10 ways we’ve gotten it right, in the hope that it may speak directly into one of your challenges, and perhaps give fresh perspective.
We KNOW we’re in a cross-cultural, multicultural marriage. He’s Iranian – Persian - of Islamic descent, resident in South Africa for less than 20 years. From a carpet-trading family who’ve limped through wars, extreme weather, and brutal economies. I’m South African, of broadly British descent, mostly socialised into loosely Western discourses.
As a relationship therapist, I’ve long-since concluded that every couple, even if mirror-images of each other and even if raised on the same street, is cross cultural. Because of differing family values and ways of relating, trauma responses and unique experience. Taking this view really helps to respect the ‘otherness’ and unique experience of each partner, and to minimise assumption.
Similarly, we KNOW we don’t share a mother tongue. A language is a set of symbols; a way of expressing ideas to another person. But it’s a flawed modality, and sometimes the concept in our head cannot be adequately transferred with words. So, in my marriage, we can never assume to blindly know what the other person is saying. Because no matter how fluent the acquired-language speaker is, what is intended by a choice of words is not always the dictionary definition. I teach my uni-lingual couples that this is the case for them too. Language is so very, very nuanced and limited that a rule-of-thumb question in any relationship simply must be, “Can I just take a moment to clarify that what I heard is what you meant?”.
We both seem to intuitively understand that the ‘other’ is magical and mysterious, a rare gift. And we have had a sense of ‘soul-mate-ship’ since first meeting. But we are, at the very same time, acutely aware of needing to tend and safeguard that connection. We are quite deliberate with pointing out moodiness, over-work, faulty thinking, unfair projections, and expectations, and holding each other to account. We are careful not to poison ourselves with each other, in a world where so much is toxic.
As an extension, we both live lives of reflection and introspection, and a commitment to fairness. As a result, we’ve both grown and changed, but in parallel – neither left behind. I take some of our stalemates to my own therapy, and I journal and read prolifically. My husband would tell you, in his endearing and profound languaging, that he “discusses with himself”. And, when he has, he’ll readily share his discoveries, from “I think I’m being an asshole”, to “I think I was just hungry / didn’t sleep well”, to “This is really important to me, and I’m not wavering on it”.
Again, possibly as an extension, we both know how to say ‘sorry’, and our ‘fight recovery time’ has decreased dramatically over the years. I teach my couples, both in my practice and in my “Relationship Rehab” digital program, the power of an “immediate ‘sorry’. Because humans have pride and ego, and the quicker we just get in there and own a blunder or an unkindness, the quicker the healing balm of reconnection can be applied.
Similarly, we’re fortunate to be eager forgivers. If there’s a way to see an altercation from the others’ perspective, or to give the benefit of the doubt, we’ll jump at the chance. Because we’ve known what it’s like to be more toxic, more volatile, more immature, and estranged. And we know we don’t like it. And we know urgent forgiveness is the way back.
We are open to listen, and to hear, and to apply changes. I think this is also an extension of deeply respecting each other. I know I am my husband’s greatest fan and cheerleader. I learn from him every day and want to. I used to just think he was wrong on so many points. Now I know that his mind is exceptional, and I can mine it for wisdom and understanding. Even if I don’t agree, in the final analysis. We have learned to mirror this attitude towards each other, and I receive the same in return.
We have experienced multiple ‘Capital T’ Traumas together, and this has given texture and perspective to our marriage. Multiple. Almost annually, without fail. Soured business deals, elaborate scams, miscarriages, near-stillborn children, epileptic children, traumatic bereavement, armed robberies, and my major surgeries, ventilator experiences, and protracted ICU stays. Research seems to indicate that experiences like these either hollow out and sever a connection, or fertilise and nurture it (or a combination of both, “because dialectics…)”. We have felt both: deep comfort, and deep resentment and difficulty dealing. And sometimes this has been humiliatingly public. But our commitments to connection, truth and understanding have seen us through. We’ve often chatted about how people can be like petrol, or like sand, under fire… And we do our best to be each other’s’ sand.
We really like each other. This helps. A lot.
We have prioritised spending our money on making memories together, as a family. We love to be 2, and we love to be 4, and we have been on many adventures together – both locally and in the Middle East. To that end, we also travel exceptionally well together, and always return inspired by our bond, our shared dreams, and the love of our children.
I’d encourage you to do this same exercise, with your significant other. In what waay are YOU winning at loving?
It’s so encouraging and uplifting to affirm the good, from time to time!
